Torn From the Headlines – February 5th
Federal health officials have reported that for the fourth week in a row no states had widespread swine flu activity. A spokesman said that at this point the only known feverish pigs in America are the women waiting in line for tickets to Bon Jovi’s reunion tour.
Crates of Scotch whisky and brandy have been recovered by a team restoring an Antarctic hut used more than 100 years ago by famed polar explorer Ernest Shackleton. The century old liquor is said to have a delicate flavor bouqet of strong notes of “rotten” combined with hints of “disgusting”.
Weather-permitting, people in the eastern United States will get a great opportunity to see the space shuttle Endeavour launched into orbit early on Sunday morning, Feb. 7. Its wreckage should be seen raining down on the Midwest a little over a half hour later.
Doctors have found that a shark bite victim pulled from the ocean off South Florida died from “massive blood loss” which sounds about right.
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Ten American members of a Baptist Church who tried to take 33 Haitian children out of the country last week without the government’s consent have been charged with child abduction and criminal conspiracy, as Haitian officials sought to reassert judicial control after the Jan. 12 earthquake. When questioned about the story, God said, “They’re doing it wrong.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Obama administration announced today that it’s taking huge steps to improve Bush’s “No Child Left Behind.” When asked specific details, President Obama said, “We’re going to make them smarter, but still dumb enough so they don’t notice how badly the government is raping them and their future.”
LONDON, UK – Antarctic Explorer Ernest Shackleton’s Century-Old Whisky Has Been Retrieved. According to Connecticut police, Rip Torn used his one phone call to ring the three crates and discuss what their plans were in 28 days.