Relationship Advice with Humbert Humbert
Mr. Humbert -
I hope you choose my query as one to address with your infinite wisdom. I have been with my girlfriend for two years now and things are starting to change. You see, she has gained a few pounds, and the only reason I breach this subject straight up is simply because she has brought it up to me. She says, “I’m sorry baby, I don’t feel comfortable with my body, I’ll lose a few pounds in the next week and we’ll make love then.” This is just disconcerting to me, Humbert. I am madly in love and I couldn’t care less about her weight. She is so wonderful and so attentive. I truly do love her. How can I convince her that I do not care how much she weighs and that I just want to love her, big or small?
- frustrated in love
F.I.L.
I laugh at this, my young friend. My laughter does not arise from a place of malice or disrespect. My jovial guffaws come from a well of sentimental memories. I believe that my experiences from a short while ago will reveal a concrete wisdom that can only be applied to your current conundrum.
She was thinner and taller, and for a second it seemed to me her face was less pretty than the mental imprint I had cherished for more than a month: her cheeks looked hallowed and too much lentigo camouflaged her rosy rustic features; and that first impression (a very narrow human interval between two tiger heartbeats) carried the clear implication that all widower Humbert had to do, wanted to do, or would do, was to give this wan-looking though sun-colored little orphan aux yeux battus (and even those plumbaceous umbrae under her eyes bore freckles) a nice girl-friends of her age among whom (if the fates deigned to repay me) I might find, perhaps, a pretty little Magdlein for Herr Doktor Humbert alone.
HA HA HA HA. Oh my dear, dear F.I.L. I not only sense, but bathe in your confusion and your sorrow! But “in a wink,” as the Germans say, the angelic line of conduct will be erased, and overtake your prey (time moves ahead of our fancies!), and she will be your Lo again-in fact, more of your Lo than ever!
I relax in my wicker as I know, more than any advice I have ever disclosed, that these words have helped you more than they could help another soul. I hope this eases you into rest this evening, my friend, my F.I.L.