Relationship Advice with Humbert Humbert
LBS has been fortunate enough to join forces with Humbert Humbert and offer an online advice forum for men (or women if they feel so inclined) who are having trouble with their significant others. Now, whether or not our patrons need guidance with partners they are currently involved with or they simply need advice on how to snag a potential lover; who better to offer wisdom on the ways of love than one of the greatest lovers of all time. So, please feel free to submit your problems and let Mr. Humbert help you on your way to discovering this mysterious fig we call love.
H.H.
- I am currently in a relationship with a very lovely older woman. I am in my twenties and she is in her forties. When we first started spending time together it was all we could do to keep our hands off one another. We made love three or four times a day and would spend all day in bed. We’ve only been together a few months and she is no longer interested in sex and I do not know what to do. I think I may be falling love with her but how can I be sure if she no longer wishes to be intimate? Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Please help me.
- Young and worried in Elk River
Y&W -
Ah. To be young again. The days of my youth, as I look back on them, seem to fly away from me in a flurry of pale repetitive scraps like those morning snow storms of used tissue paper that a train passenger sees whirling in the wake of the observation car. As a college student I spent my time in Paris and London loving women in short durations; relationships that came to an abrupt end as quickly as the money had changed hands. I had never enjoyed the company of a woman older than I, except as a very young boy when I lost my virginity to the throws of a girl nine years my senior. I was bashful and clumsy, an experience I relish in as much as I despise it. I had sometimes wished to make love to her as I got older, I was driven by the desire to show her what a skilled lover I had become, but I never got that chance. I digress. I believe I have an answer to your predicament, young resident of Elk River. Let me explain something to you: Now I wish to introduce the following idea. Between the age limits of nine and fourteen their occur maidens who, to certain bewitched travelers, twice or many times older than they, reveal their true nature which is not human, but nymphic (that is demoniac); and these chosen creatures I propose to designate as “nymphets.” You seem to not know these girl-children and this is your problem, my dear boy. You have to be an artist and a madman, a creature of infinite melancholy, with a bubble of hot poison in your loins and a super-voluptuous flame permanently aglow in your subtle spine (oh, how you have to cringe and hide!), in order to discern at once, by ineffable signs, the slightly feline outline of a cheekbone, the slenderness of a downy limb, and other indices which despair and shame and tears of tenderness forbid me to tabulate – the little deadly demon among the wholesome children; she stands unrecognized by them and unconscious herself of her fantastic power. If you follow these words, I am certain that you will come upon the path of righteousness that leads to this sinister mistress named love and shall be overwrought with the breathlessness that accompanies such discoveries.