The Canadian hockey team defeated their US rivals in overtime to take the gold medal on Sunday, bringing the 2010 Winter Olympics to a close.  US citizens will now be forced to return to their usual complete apathy to the sport, but will be able to look forward to pretending to care about bicycling as this summer’s Tour de France approaches.

The Sea World whale trainer killed recently was remembered today by family members for her loving support, co-workers and friends for her dedication to marine life, and by whale Tilikum for the severe case of indigestion he’s been suffering this week.

The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka made his final decision this week in the much anticipated season finale of the popular dating show.  Pavelka announced that he will not, in fact, seek treatment for the virulent strain of antibiotic resistant herpes he contracted from the female contestants, but will instead resign himself to the hospice route.

General Motors has announced they intend to have a major shake-up of their sales and marketing team in the near future, in what is quite an unexpected move.  Not to be outdone, rival Toyota has an even more surprising move in store for their drivers: a move forward at increasingly terrifying speeds despite the deployment of brakes and emergency breaks, ending with one’s body thrown through a wall of earthly flames, while one’s soul is thrown into the still hotter flames of hell.

Jay Leno returned to TV this week.  Though there is much public scrutiny of his return, he is expected to ease comfortably back into the Tonight Show desk chair as he is a seasoned veteran or the forum, and the chair still bears the stress marked indentation from his Kardashian-sized ass cheeks.

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