Torn from the Headlines: May 26th
The world is rejoicing today as Gen. Ratko Mladic, former Serbian military commander, was arrested for crimes against humanity. Unfortunately, the rest of the Serbian population is still at large.
Dick Cheney was quoted recently as saying that he “worships” rising GOP star Paul Ryan. Ryan responded that the praise was bittersweet: sweet because a compliment is always welcome to his ears; bitter because Cheney’s worshipping him indicates that he is, indeed, the second coming of our dark lord Satan, as his grade school teachers and classmates had always suspected.
Residents in Santa Monica, CA, are set to vote on a measure soon that would ban any male circumcision before the age of 18. The legislation is seen as discriminatory and unfair by populations (such as Jews) whose religions mandate the procedure on newborns. The measure has shocking popularity, however, among yeast infection aficionados and women who want an excuse to not give head.
Top members of the Japanese government are concerned by findings that indicate radiation levels in octopus have spiked dramatically in the wake of recent nuclear reactor leaks. Japanese women are also concerned by this development, since these octopus will eventually be shoved up their vaginas.
A CNN reporter today posed the question “are sexy dolls ok for little kids?” Little kids and their parents have responded by voicing concern that the reporter finds dolls so incredibly sexy.