An Unmerited Taunting of Thomas Edison
Thomas Edison was the last of seven children born to Nancy Matthews Elliott and Samuel “The Iron Shovel” Edison Jr. His father did not get the nickname “The Iron Shovel” from his reputation as a hard working manual laborer as most think. No, Samuel Edison Jr. got the nickname “The Iron Shovel” for always beating the family’s pet ducks with an iron shovel.
Edison developed hearing problems when he was young and even described himself as deaf later on in life. It was figured that Edison’s deafness was attributed to a bout of Scarlet Fever he suffered that went untreated thus causing a chronic middle ear infection. To this day, Scarlet Fever is considered the gayest way to lose one’s hearing.
On Christmas Day, 1871, a mere two months after meeting her, Edison married 16-year-old Mary Stilwell. Still young when she passed away; Mary fell victim to the leading cause of death in 1884 for women her age: marrying old perverts.
Edison fathered three children with Mary and had a habit of nicknaming them. His first daughter, Marion, was nicknamed “Dot.” Edison’s second child, Thomas Jr., was nicknamed “Dash.” Edison’s third child, William Leslie, had no documented nickname – but with a name like William Leslie it can be inferred that most people called him “Faggy ‘The Turd’ McLezzy.”
Edison’s fifth child, Charles Edison, would become the most successful of the Edison children – taking over the family business when his father passed away and later becoming the Governor of New Jersey. Charles was also obsessed with owls; eventually calling them his own personal mascot. When asked why he was so fixated on the owl, Charles said, “It was my father’s favorite food. He ate it everyday.”
After “claiming” to invent the electric light, it is well known that an intense feud developed between Edison and fellow magician David Bowie; both racing against one another to harvest the light from the moon. This historical competition was best retold in the documentary, The Prestige.
Nonviolence was key to Edison’s moral views. Edison’s philosophy of nonviolence extended to animals as well, about which he stated: “Nonviolence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” He immediately added, “Except for those filthy, delicious, flying, golden lunches called owls.”
It is reported that Thomas Edison died due to complications from diabetes. Edison was a reported health nut and followed a fad diet to restore his health that consisted of only drinking three glasses of milk a day. It was later discovered that he was, in fact, lactose intolerant (a condition that was not yet discovered in 1931). Edison practically signed his own death warrant by partaking in this milk fad. Coroners later confirmed that Thomas Edison most likely died from a massive bodily explosion often attributed to lactose intolerance called “The Midnight Surprise.”
After his death, Thomas Edison was buried in the backyard of his favorite home, the Glenmont, in West Orange, New Jersey. Edison bought the home as a wedding gift for his wife, Mina. When he presented it to her he said, “No matter what, do NOT bury me in the backyard when I die.” Mina hated Thomas Edison.
Tags: mary stillwell, the prestige, thomas edison