An Unmerited Taunting of Gordon Ramsay (the cook)
It was once thought that all of Gordon Ramsay’s business interests (restaurants, media, consultancy) are held in the company Gordon Ramsay Holdings Limited. Now it has been discovered that two additional interests of his (sharking and scatology) have been kept private.
Ramsay lived for a while at Stratford-Upon-Avon in England, former home of William Shakespeare. Fortunately for Ramsay, this means that his clam chowder isn’t the greatest tragedy to come out of the little hamlet (that honor goes to MacBeth).
Ramsay’s signature dish at his flagship restaurant is remarkably similar to comedian Jim Brewer. Both are half-baked, tasteless and topped with course brown hair.
Criticized for his hot temper, Gordon Ramsay has only offered the explanation that it was how he learned to manage under his mentors Marco Pierre White and Guy Savoy, both of whom were also cunts.
Ramsay’s legendary temper has actually fueled his stardom among spectacle-loving audiences. It has also fueled the decline of his children’s developing egos.
In 2005, Ramsay led a charity event called “Spice Up Your Life” whose goal was to raise 100,000 british pounds to combat AIDS cases in India. Happily, they met their financial goal, but on a bittersweet note it only allowed for the treatment of about half of his lovers there.
Ramsay had an embarrassing incident recently on Hell’s Kitchen. Used to taking others to task for kitchen cleanliness, Ramsay was told by health inspectors to remove 5 lbs of garbage that was stinking up his work area. It turned out, however, to be a misunderstanding as it was simply his attempt at baklava.
When Ramsay’s wife was asked how lucky she feels to have such a great cook for a husband, she noted that it doesn’t impact her much as he is “always cooking in someone else’s kitchen.” After a long pause she added that the same could be said regarding his famous sexual prowess.
It has been noted that perhaps Ramsay’s intense media schedule and desire for personal publicity is finally affecting the quality of food at his restaurants, as he is rarely able to be there in person. In fact, things are so far amiss that it was recently reported that his flagship restaurant actually served a bowl of gumbo that was entirely edible.
Recently, Ramsay’s flagship restaurant had a gas leak scare when patron’s reported an odd smell and resulting light-headedness. It was later discovered that the source of the gas was just another customer who had had made the bad call to go with Ramsay’s chilli.
Ramsay was confounded recently when he lost a cooking contest to an arch rival. The prize went to his rival’s rendition of Beef Wellington. Ramsay went off on the judging panel, yelling and screaming for almost an entire hour, causing the normally televised live event to cut to an extended commercial. Even after the commercial segment, Ramsay could be heard once more screaming that he’d never prepare his boiled weiners for them again.
Ramsay has been critiqued for his hot temper, but in all fairness to the great man, kitchens in first class restaurants can be very stressful and in the end he can’t be blamed for blowing off steam now and then. Much greater culpability, however, can be assigned to his blowing off of daughter Matilda’s most recent birthday party.
Ramsay has made frequent guest appearances on numerous television programs in the United States and in Europe. Less frequent have been his guest appearances in the lives of his four children.
Surprisingly, Ramsay has been able to stay in “shape” despite constantly being around rich food. Unsurprisingly, the exact “shape” is a “sack of shit.”
One early job at a fine dining establishment was cut short due to Ramsay’s relationship with the owner’s wife (the two were constantly out shopping together, gossiping and getting manicures).
Even Ramsay himself admits that he sometimes has a tendency to over-season foods and that a trip to Hell’s Kitchen most often is followed quickly by a trip to Hell’s Bathroom.
Despite being a master of complex dishes, Ramsay has said his favorite flavor in the world is a lightly seasoned beef. His second favorite flavor? The exciting zest of unrepentant infidelity.
Ramsay absolutely refuses to do stew in his kitchen, dismissing the notion as low-class. In response, his young assistant said “1) that’s not how you spell my first name, it’s Stu, and 2) it’s not like it’s any more classy when we do it in your office.”
After lack of coordination and a series of injuries rendered a career in sports impossible, Ramsay’s decision came down to the Royal Navy, the Police Force, or cooking food for people. He chose to cook due to his lack of courage and inability to command the respect of others.