An Unmerited Dominos™ Taunting
According to a recent ad campaign, Domino’s has now changed everything about their pizza from the sauce to the crust. However, the company has also stated that they will still be including a few strands of employee’s hair in each pie as in the past. They will also continue to employ wiggers as they don’t want to stray too far from their branding.
In 1960 brothers Tom and James Monaghan borrowed $500 and purchased ‘DomiNick’s’ pizza in Ypsilanti, Michigan. James wasn’t seen again until Tom introduced their new but limited time pizza with “Secret Sauce with Special Tompings.”
Founder Tom Managhan stepped down in 1998 to pursue “religious activities.” Monaghan is a devout catholic and it has been said that this is why the process of digesting Domino’s pizza so closely mirrors the escalating agony of the Stations of the Cross.
Now a grandfather, Monaghan has said that he plans to die broke in keeping with the humble message of Christianity. It should be noted that this is after spending most of his young and adult life in an orgy of money, women, and mozzarella cheese.
Part of Managhan’s late-life dedication to charity is said to be a desperate attempt to knock some years off the sentence to purgatory that he has earned with the release of their Philly Cheese Steak Pizza. In Catholic doctrine, a product as debased as that is considered to fall under the deadly sin of “Wrath.
Monaghan has described his main goal in life as helping as many people get to heaven as possible, adding “but before they can go to heaven they need to get a little taste of hell” while winking and opening a pizza box slightly to reveal a freshly baked Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch™ pizza.
Monaghan entered a seminary school but was asked to leave in 10th grade after pillow-fighting. Unfairly, the other girls were allowed to stay.
Monaghan engaged in another extreme act of self-mortification and humility before god when he bought the Detroit Tigers mlb team.
Domino’s now has an interactive menu, allowing their patrons to order online by selecting every tiny detail to their purchase with the exception of hair, fingernails and dander they’re so accustomed to seeing on each pizza. These are additions the patrons assume in good faith will be included in their order.
Dominos had to put an end to their “30 Minutes or Less” promise after they lost nearly 80 million dollars in lawsuits brought on by the reckless driving of their employees causing deaths and maiming all across the nation. Later Monaghan would invent the phrase, “Got 30 Minutes?” which wasn’t a delivery promise but rather a violent stomach cramping promise.
Due to a glitch on the Domino’s website, the company gave away nearly 11,000 free medium pizzas in March 2009 and after someone discovered the promotion on the website by typing in the word “bailout” as the promotion code and then shared it with thousands. Domino’s deactivated the code on the morning of Tuesday, March 31, 2009 causing the largest widespread and simultaneous feeling of “health” the United States has ever experienced.
As part of a new line of desserts, Domino’s has introduced the Chocolate Lava Cake thus named because of the blast of hot, brown liquid that will violently erupt from you, caking the porcelain of your toilet, roughly 10-12 minutes after consumption.
In the 80’s Dominos released its most successful campaign to date, The Noid. The catchphrase, Avoid the Noid became remarkably popular. It was a win win for founder Monaghan as he was able to make millions for his company while finding a solution to get rid of the illegitimate child he had conceived with, Topeka, one of his she-wigger employees.
It’s unclear why the Noid campaign ended, some speculate that the pizza giant had exhausted its use, while others know its because founder Tom Monaghan’s illegitimate son died of a severe and rare case of ADHD.
Domino’s has a strict policy by which their drivers carry less than $20 at any given time. Their delivery men and women also seemingly have a strict policy of having no less than $40 in their checking and savings account.
In 2009, a video of two Domino’s employees hit the internet in which they were shown putting ingredients up their noses and otherwise soiling them before putting them onto the sandwiches they were making. It is noteworthy that the recipients of those sandwiches remain unknown as they apparently were unable to discern the contaminants from the usual refuse used to make the company’s product.
Recently, Domino’s has introduced a tracking feature on their website whereby you can monitor the progress of your order via GPS devices on the company’s delivery men and women. The program is an innovative use of the tracking devices already put on those individuals by the US legal system.
Unlike their current CEO, Domino’s MeatZZa™ Feast pizza is well-endowed with sausage.
A death row inmate was allowed to try the Domino’s Chicken Alfredo Bread Bowl™ as the centerpiece of his last meal. His subsequent death was said to have been extremely painful. It was also said to have occurred before they had even made it to the execution chamber.
The “Ultimate Pepperoni Feast™” pizza was inspired by a particularly raucous night in an Italian hostel which a company executive has recalled as “the best night of my life.”
Domino’s website conveniently and prominently displays the date and hour so that when the coroner arrives he can accurately record the time of death.
In the early 2000’s Dominos introduced their new oven baked sub sandwiches. Many claim it was to monopolize the food market that had been dominated by Subway and Quizno’s for so long while others claim that Corporate Dominos felt it was unfair that the public could only get sick from one type of food they offered.
In a recent “variety campaign” Dominos is offering a wide variety of Buffalo Wings to choose from: Spicy Buffalo, their tender Chicken Kickers™ to the Extreme Hot Wings or as they refer to them in the corporate kitchen: Tummy Wrecks, Ass kickers and the “Gotta Lay Downs.”
Domino’s has 3600 stores outside the United States, that’s right, nearly 4,000 foreigners get to experience the worst American export since we sent broken condoms to Africa.