A Merited Taunting of Usher
Usher was actually born “Usher Raymond IV” and even though many thought Usher was a made up pseudonym, it turns out he was a pretentious douche EVEN as a baby.
At age 13, Usher competed on Star Search, where he was spotted by an A&R representative from LaFace Records, who arranged an audition for Usher to L.A. Reid, the co-founder of LaFace; Reid signed Usher a contract with the LaRecord company. Usher remembers feeling LaGreat and how LaNeat it was.
After releasing a successful self-titled album in 1994, it was clear that Usher was going to be a hit. When asked where he saw himself in fifteen years he said, “Performing for an opressive, clinically insane North African dictator who kills his own people and getting paid $1 Million dollars to do it!”
Aside from recording, Usher has acted in feature films. He was among the “stars” in Light It Up and In the Mix. Two phenomenal, Oscar-worthy stereotype perpetuating movies that we would not even auto-fill on Google.
In 2001, Usher began dating former TLC member Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas. Their relationship lasted for two years: they broke up in December 2003 because Usher cheated on her. The world was shocked – they couldn’t believe a wealthy, African American recording artist commited an act of infidelity on a significant other.
Usher named his first son after himself, Usher V, a compassionate fatherly act of stripping away any sense of self identity the child could ever dreamed of having.
Usher founded New Look, a non-profit charity organization which aims to quote: “provide young people with a new look on life through education and real-world experience”. And if anyone would know anything about the “real world” it would be a spoiled, multi-millionaire R&B star who owns part of the Cleveland Cavaliers, has four rooms in his home dedicated just to clothing, who owns a staggering 4,000 pairs of shoes. Not to mention his superflous collection of watches estimated to be worth around 1.5 Million dollars. I think that’s a world we all can relate to.
Speaking in an exclusive interview with MTV News, R&B vocalist Rihanna confessed to being in love, in a young teeny way, with Usher. “Oh my gosh!” She gushed. “I was in love with Usher when he first came out. I was a little girl too, I was real young. But I really loved Usher; I thought he was the hottest thing. I think he was my first crush definitely.” When asked if he would date her now, Usher replied that she was far too old and she should have called him back then. “Who knows,” he said, “we could have been divorced by now.”
Usher was quoted as saying: “I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.” Notice he did not say “less gayer version of Liberace.”
Due to extreme pressure from the outside world, Usher has announced that he will be donating his $1 Million dollar earnings he received for performing for Libyan dictator Omar Kadafi to “numerous human rights organizations” when asked to be more specific he extrapoalted, “The National Tiny Diamond Finders for Watches and The Divorce Association.”
(As a side note, to the best of our knowledge this is an actual picture of Usher at his sons fourth birthday party. For legal reasons, we cannot say that this is IN FACT an actual photo of Usher but we think it is.)