Some of you may not know this, but the Lowbrow Sophisticates do more than tickle your tummies with amusing posts; we are sometimes summoned to do PR work for various individuals and organizations. And with the recent tomato slinging going on with the next President of these United States, Herman Cain, we were asked to come up with some new catch phrase names for Mr. Cain with the intention of alleviating some of the pressure – something we did in our Washington D.C. office using our usual and successful brand of wit and creativity.

Check out the names below – names we were paid to come up with. And, as always, we encourage each and every one of you to submit your own agnomen concoction! We’ll post em as long as they’re not racist or riddled with good old American bigotry! And if enough of you send along your names, we’ll have a contest with Lowbrow Branded Prizes: Ashtrays, T-shirts, and Baby Nooks!

Herman “Muenster” Cain
Her “Man Candy” Cain
Hermoine “The Granger” Cain
Hermaid “The Man Fish” Cain
Herman “Cain I Touch Those”
Hermaner “The Settlement Determiner” Cain
Herman “The Other Wayans” Cain
Herman “Chocolate Brain” Cain
Herman “These Bitches Ain’t Germane” Cain
Herman “At Least It Ain’t Coke” Cain
Herman “Hussein” Cain (in honor of Fox News Corp.)
Herman “She’s t’ Blame” Cain
Her-Man-Dingo Cain
Herman “The Merman” Cain
Herm “Single Term” Cain
Herman “The Complain Train” Cain
Herman “Sexual Sugar” Cain

This day in History – 4/6/2010

1830 – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was organized by
Joseph Smith when he was visited by God and Jesus Christ who
told him where to find a part of the bible that had been left out,
written on gold plates. But don’t worry, it’s not as crazy as it
sounds, you see, angels told him how to translate the text using a
special language that only he and the angles could understand.

1862 – The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began – giving
inspiration to hippie parents everywhere to name their sons one of
the stupidest names ever.

1875 – Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the multiple
telegraph, which sent two signals at the same time. Bell called it his
DP Telegraph.

1896 – The Olympic Games, a long-lost tradition of ancient Greece, are
reborn in Athens 1,500 years after being banned by Roman
Emperor Theodosius I after the participants wanted to wear clothes.
At the opening of the Athens Games, King Georgios I of Greece and
a crowd of 60,000 spectators welcomed athletes from 13 nations to
the international competition beginning a long tradition of Indian
losers.

1916 – Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in the world
when he signed a contract with Mutual Film Corporation for
$675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. It is said that when he
discovered his salary he said,

1953 – Iranian Premier Mossadegh demanded that the shah’s power be
reduced. “Shah right,” they replied.

1983 – Interior Secretary James Watt banned the Beach Boys from the 4th of
July celebration on the Washington Mall, saying rock ‘n’ roll bands
attract the “wrong element.” Watt was worried that this “wrong
element” would be a bad influence on the racists, bigots and
homophobes that encompass the Republican Party.

1985 – William J. Schroeder became the first artificial heart recipient to be
discharged from the hospital. He died in the parking lot.

1998 – The Dow Jones industrial average closed above 9,000 points for the
first time. It could only go up from here!

1999 – Carmen Electra filed for a divorce from Dennis Rodman. They had
only been married six months. Court documents revealed that
Rodman wanted out because Electra wouldn’t share her gowns with
him. Also, her penis was bigger than his.

2009 – Michael Jordan was elected to the basketball Hall of Fame for
cheating on his wife with more women than any other professional
basketball player.