389 – St. Patrick allegedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland – an act so incredibly impressive to the Irish that they have celebrated it by getting completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th since. What is often forgotten, however, is that St. Patrick also drove out every decent looking woman too.

461 – According to tradition, St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul, County Down, giving millions of shitty Americans an excuse to get completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th.

1845 – The rubber band was patented by Stephen Perry of London, finally allowing men with long hair to finally “pull it back.”

1868 – Postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued, infuriating dozens of other dorks who were trying to patent their postage stamp canceling machine.

1932 – German police raided Hitler’s Nazi headquarters where they uncovered dozens of sketches of an early Alfred E. Neuman prototype with the words, “What, Me Worry?” written in German.

1942 – John Wayne Gacy, was born in Chicago, Ill. His mother was quoted as saying, “We just know he’s going to grow up to be quite the ladies man.”

1952 – A US ban on the word “tornado” was lifted. The ban had started in 1886 when the US Army, which handled weather forecasting, determined that the harm done by predicting a tornado would be greater than that done by the tornado itself. The lifting of the ban put an end to one of the dumbest things ever.

1959 – The Dalai Lama fled Tibet and went to India, triggering a flood of refugees escaping Chinese rule. It turned out real good for them.

1999 – The Vatican and Sony announced the release of the first music video, “Abba Pater,” by Pope John Paul II. It was a PR move in order to make the Pope seem more “hip,” because their first attempt, Child Molestation, wasn’t working.

2000 – The United States lifted a ban on imports of Iranian luxury goods. Americans were finally able to purchase super hairy things and homophobia!

2003 – Police found 28 baby girls hidden in suitcases aboard a long-distance bus in southern Guangxi, apparently being smuggled for sale. Police later arrested 10 people involved in the scheme. The charges were later dropped when it was discovered that’s just how Chinese people sleep.

2004 – Harvard researchers reported that an enzyme in the brain appears to regulate appetite and weight. They named it the “Kirstie Alley” gene.

2005 – Lil’ Kim was convicted of lying to a grand jury about a shootout outside a New York radio station. Lil’ Kim started serving her 366-day sentence just before her fourth album was released in September 2005. This was a shocking revelation as no one would ever suspect a rapper of lying.

2006 – Some 93 whales began beaching themselves in Indonesia’s Central Sulawesi province. About 50 died as local villagers dragged at least 40 back to the open sea. Many scientists believe the cause of this was due to the fact that whales are stupid.

2006 – Officials in Japan said they have confirmed the country’s first case of mad cow disease in cattle raised to provide meat. The good news is that none of their dog and cat meat had mad cow disease.

2006 – A bus carrying dozens of teenagers on a school field trip toppled off a bridge on the outskirts of Mexico’s capital, killing 7 people and injuring at least 28. The Mexican police ruled the deaths a drug overdose.