The Humane Society is gathering used fur coats from people and using it as bedding for orphaned animals under the theory that it helps remind the creatures of their mothers and fathers. Some have mocked the irony of this situation, but it’s hard to argue against the logic. After all, if you lost your parents you would have to admit that their memory would remain more vividly with you if you were then forced to wear a Snuggie made from their skin.

Top brass at the Pentagon have come out in support of repealing the infamous “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule. One admiral went as far as to say “gays should be allowed to serve in any branch the military at large and not just in the Navy.”

Unearthing information that smaller media institutions just can’t get to, respected news giant MSNBC has reported today on their front page that the situation in Haiti is “potentially volatile.”

Renowned buzz-kill Punxsutawney Phil came out of his little home the other day only to see his shadow. This proves that a) we’ve got a lot of winter left to live through, and b) sunlight still casts shadows when it shines down on stuff. It should be further noted that the little guy himself has had a long hard year, losing his mother only this past fall. Nonetheless he seemed in good enough spirits, as thanks to the Humane Society he was wearing her skin.

The group Lancet has retracted their famous study findings of 1998 that had asserted that autism is caused by vaccinations for measles, mumps and other diseases. With this explanation for autism now gone, society is forced once again to recognize it as a punishment from God.