The “musician” Kid Rock was born Robert James Ritchie. He wanted a tougher name, a name that would thrust him into America’s music scene. Shitty Robert was already taken, so he went with Kid Rock.

On December 11, 1990, Kid Rock released his debut album Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast on Jive Records. The lead single “Yo Da Lin In The Valley” was banned by the FCC for its fixation on oral sex, and received at the time the largest non-commercial radio fine of all time at $23,750. Ritchie apologized and fought the fine, stating: “It’s about camping trips with my dad.”

Ritchie’s “breakthrough” album, Grits Sandwiches, sold 100,000 copies upon its initial release. Atlantic Record won the rights to the record in 2000 and re-released the album. This remains Atlantic Records biggest regret, greater even than introducing Phil Spector to Lana Clarkson.

Ritchie met an idiot by the name of Uncle Kracker in 1991 after battling Kracker’s brother in a rap battle back in Clawson, Michigan. Ritchie eventually asked Uncle Kracker to become his full time DJ. To this day, Ritchie’s rise to stardom is widely considered the dumbest story ever.

In 2001, Kid Rock released the country ballad “Picture,” a duet with Sheryl Crow. The move was calculated to dispel two persistent rumors about Rock: a) that he could only do hardcore, rap-rock songs, and b) that he can’t get along with other girls.

In 2007 Kid Rock released Rock N Roll Jesus, which produced a hit “All Summer Long”. It was his first worldwide smash hit, charting #1 in eight countries across Europe and Australia. Rock N Roll Jesus would go on to sell 5 million albums worldwide including being certified triple platinum in the US. This was a critical phenomenon, proving that inbred rednecks with no taste existed outside of the United States.

Ritchie was nominated as Best New Artist at the 2000 Grammy Award’s losing out to Christina Aguilera. He was also nominated for “Bawitdaba” for Best Hard Rock Performance, the award was won by Metallica for “Whiskey In The Jar.” These losses foreshadowed his dwindling career, showing that he couldn’t even beat an overly make-upped clown whore and a geriatric group of thieving has-beens.

Wayne State University named a scholarship after Kid Rock for musicians. It’s called the “Suck Like Me” grant and has yet to be applied for by anyone, anywhere.

Robert “Kid Rock” Ritchie grew up in a very wealthy family in Romeo, Michigan. Proving that even spoiled rich wiggers can become even wealthier, famous pop stars.

Ritchie and Blonde Bombshell Pamela Anderson were wed a short time after dating in 2004. When asked what prompted the proposal, he stated: “She has the only Hepatitis I haven’t gotten yet.”

In 2003, after two successful albums, Kid Rock made the daring choice to take his music in a new direction – that direction? Straight down the shitter.

In 2007, Rock released an album called Rock n Roll Jesus. The hopeful title showed that Rock identified with the Lord and Savior in anticipating a rise from the dead of sorts for his career. It has been noted that even if Rock gets his comeback, an enormous difference still remains between him and the lord: the lord has never taken a dump on Pam Anderson’s chest.

Another funny story, Rock told the bored Vh1 Storytellers crowd, “I originally only wore my now-trademark red fedora on stage because I had forgotten my bonnet at home.”

Reflecting on his first Arena show, Rock stated that it was an odd feeling being such a tiny, little thing inside such a cavernous place. His penis later offered the exact same reflection about the night he and Pam Anderson consummated their love.

Rock is famously addicted to going shirtless in public, a habit he picked up and continued after what he has described as the “exhibitionist rush” he felt at being featured in the Girls Gone Wild series.

Though thought to be retired by most of his former fans, Rock is possibly at work on another album. Neighbors to his trailer have reported late night sounds that “seem like his kind of music” on some nights. However, they also conceded that it could just be the sound of “those two rabid raccoons banging in Mr. Wilson’s rubbish bins again.”

In a Rolling Stones interview, Ritchie was asked, “What would you say is your biggest musical influence?” To which the “musician” replied, “All the late night sing-a-longs in Girl Scouts.”

Ritchie was nominated for best rock album and best male pop/rock performance for “All Summer Long” at the 2009 Grammys. He lost to Coldplay’s Viva La Vida for best Rock Album and John Mayer’s “Say” for Best Male Pop/Rock Performance. Many fans immediately defended Rock saying the awards weren’t fair. After all, Rock was in the “male” pop/rock performance category.