Bin Laden (pictured above) in happier times after buying his puppy, Skittles.

Mere hours after his death, Osama’s body was given a proper burial at sea by the US government.  This action illustrated two things: that President Barrack Obama has grace even for his greatest enemies, and that he has suspiciously thorough, at-hand knowledge of Islamic burial customs.

Bin Laden’s religious ideology maintained that all civilians are fair targets, men, women and children alike.  The same attitude was regrettably applied in equal measure to his sexual ethos.

Bin Laden was known to vocally oppose music on religious grounds, but those who knew him best knew the real reason for his aversion: his jealousy of musicians because he himself had no rhythm. 

Bin Laden had a well-known penchant for recording long-winded videos that were seen as a means of communicating with his loose-knit confederation of followers.  Only Osama knew the real reason he these one-sided discussions with his camcorder: he was lonely. 

US intelligence had long believed that Osama had kidney failure, as he was often spotted travelling with a giant box that appeared to be a dialysis machine.  Upon examining his compound after his death, it was found to be the carrying case for his Real Doll.

Bin Laden’s strategy against his often larger foes like the US and USSR was to lure them into a war of attrition that would drain their finances and ultimately bankrupt them.  Ironically, this strategy would be turned on him by his shrewish fifth wife, Hazziz.

It is well-known what close friends Bin Laden was with charismatic Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, a friendship that lasted till the latter’s death and was not even derailed by their earlier, torrid love-triangle with Princess Diana of England.

Osama was never as self-assured of his looks as he was of his intellect.  Numerous sources cite his belief as a young man that he had a “crater face.”  It was a belief that was not actually well-founded until May 2^nd, 2011.

The administration of zany US President George W. Bush offered a $25 million reward for the capture of Bin Laden in the wake of the September 11^th attacks.  It is seems remarkable that no one took up the offer, until one recalls the well-known fact that the US government has no money.

In 1998, a first Interpol warrant was issued for Bin Laden’s arrest.  The warrant cited his growing plans to target a Western nation with violence, and his repeated copying and resale of his VHS copy of Legally Blond II.

For years it had been thought that the exceptional length of Bin Laden’s beard was a mark of his seniority in the Islamic and jihadist culture.  However, upon shaving it to prepare for his burial, US special forces realized it was because his face was a three at best.

Bin Laden was given many nicknames and titles by his esteemed colleagues, including Prince and Father of Abdallah.  He was only known to have given himself one nickname, however: Usama Sheikh (or “Lion King”) after watching the beloved Disney classic one Saturday morning on Al Jazira.

As previously noted, Bin Laden was referred to as Abu Abdallah, or “Father of Abdallah,” a nickname garnered during one long and particularly lonesome stint in the mountains with Abdallah.

Bin Laden’s father died in 1967 in an airplane crash in Saudia Arabia and his eldest half-brother was killed in San Antonio in 1988 when he accidentally flew a plane into power lines; Osama was also to prove himself to be a clumsy aviator.

US Intelligence has described Bin Laden over the years as “tall” and “slender” with “olive skin” and with a “soft spoken and mild-mannered demeanor” making it rather unclear as to their exact motives for chasing him.

Irascible US president George W. Bush was a well-known nemesis to Bin Laden, who bested the president in almost every way except one…  sustaining a loving and nurturing marriage.

 Bin Laden tried his hand at marriage numerous times (reportedly around six) but was never able to sustain any of them beyond the sixth or seventh child, leading him to think he was a failure in love.

At King Abdulaziz University, a young Bin Laden was known for his interests in poetry, football, charitable work, and black stallions.  The black stallions, however, thought Bin Laden was a bit scrawny and unadventurous in bed.

 Bin Laden listed Shia Muslims as heretics (along with Jews, Christians, etc) due to their subversive belief that Mohammed parted his hair to the left.

2011 – Osama Bin Laden heads into day 6 of his dirty, eternal orgy with the 72 virgins; finds their youthfulness invigorating but their sexual prowess somewhat lacking / wishes he could replace them with whores.

2002 – Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn was assassinated outside a radio station by an animal rights activist who claimed he had seen Fortuyn beating a dog.  With Fortuyn’s last breath, he made his assassin realize the error of his ways, saying “my wife, you scoundrel!  That wasn’t a dog I was hitting, that was my wife!”

1998 – MLB pitcher Kerry Wood strikes out twenty batters in a game against the Houston Astros.  It was the greatest number of strike-outs in one evening since the last time Al Roker attended a speed dating session.

1996 – The body of William Colby, former CIA director, was found washed up on the shore of a Maryland riverbank eight days after he had mysteriously disappeared.  His family was relieved to have the closure since the body probably would not have been identified at all had the river waters not washed off his fake mustache and dark sunglasses.

1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first man to run the mile in under four minutes.  His guilty conscious, however, kept pace.

1937 – The Hindenburg goes down attempting to dock, killing 36 people.  The tragedy would be mourned by nearly all, but lauded by Michael Stampton of Innesbrook, New Jersey, a blimp-detractor.

We here at the Lowbrow Sophisticate recently acquired grant and fellowship funds from a couple major literary think tanks. We had to present a proposal describing what it is we planned on doing with the money if we were to receive it, which we did. We all have burned out stars close to our hearts, actors, writers and performers whose light has dimmed over the years making our chest cavities feel cold and sleepy. Well, the Lowbrows are here to change all that.

With our grant and fellowship money, we have been able to resurrect some of these fallen heroes’ careers by coaching them ourselves and landing them a role of a lifetime and who better to start with than Mr. Edward Blatchford. That’s right. You may remember Ed in such powerful and moving films as Last of the Mohicans or when he played the helpful Sheriff to Jean Claude Van Damme in Nowhere to Run. But I think we can all agree that no role was more visceral and awe-inspiring than his portrayal of Mr. Belding’s younger, cooler brother, Rod Belding, in television’s Saved By The Bell.

Thank you, Edward Blatchford for touching our hearts for so many years. Here’s to you! We have been able to use our legally acquired funds to place Edward in the role of his life. He will be playing Janitor #2 in a new webisode of The Vampire Diaries, so keep your eyes peeled for the cooler, more-haired Belding brother in an internet episode near you in the winter of 2014!

Usher was actually born “Usher Raymond IV” and even though many thought Usher was a made up pseudonym, it turns out he was a pretentious douche EVEN as a baby.

At age 13, Usher competed on Star Search, where he was spotted by an A&R representative from LaFace Records, who arranged an audition for Usher to L.A. Reid, the co-founder of LaFace; Reid signed Usher a contract with the LaRecord company. Usher remembers feeling LaGreat and how LaNeat it was.

After releasing a successful self-titled album in 1994, it was clear that Usher was going to be a hit. When asked where he saw himself in fifteen years he said, “Performing for an opressive, clinically insane North African dictator who kills his own people and getting paid $1 Million dollars to do it!”

Aside from recording, Usher has acted in feature films. He was among the “stars” in Light It Up and In the Mix. Two phenomenal, Oscar-worthy stereotype perpetuating movies that we would not even auto-fill on Google.

In 2001, Usher began dating former TLC member Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas. Their relationship lasted for two years: they broke up in December 2003 because Usher cheated on her. The world was shocked – they couldn’t believe a wealthy, African American recording artist commited an act of infidelity on a significant other.

Usher named his first son after himself, Usher V, a compassionate fatherly act of stripping away any sense of self identity the child could ever dreamed of having.

Usher founded New Look, a non-profit charity organization which aims to quote: “provide young people with a new look on life through education and real-world experience”. And if anyone would know anything about the “real world” it would be a spoiled, multi-millionaire R&B star who owns part of the Cleveland Cavaliers, has four rooms in his home dedicated just to clothing, who owns a staggering 4,000 pairs of shoes. Not to mention his superflous collection of watches estimated to be worth around 1.5 Million dollars. I think that’s a world we all can relate to.

Speaking in an exclusive interview with MTV News, R&B vocalist Rihanna confessed to being in love, in a young teeny way, with Usher. “Oh my gosh!” She gushed. “I was in love with Usher when he first came out. I was a little girl too, I was real young. But I really loved Usher; I thought he was the hottest thing. I think he was my first crush definitely.” When asked if he would date her now, Usher replied that she was far too old and she should have called him back then. “Who knows,” he said, “we could have been divorced by now.”

Usher was quoted as saying: “I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.” Notice he did not say “less gayer version of Liberace.”

Due to extreme pressure from the outside world, Usher has announced that he will be donating his $1 Million dollar earnings he received for performing for Libyan dictator Omar Kadafi to “numerous human rights organizations” when asked to be more specific he extrapoalted, “The National Tiny Diamond Finders for Watches and The Divorce Association.”

(As a side note, to the best of our knowledge this is an actual picture of Usher at his sons fourth birthday party. For legal reasons, we cannot say that this is IN FACT an actual photo of Usher but we think it is.)

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Late last night, the Lowbrows were called in for an emergency meeting with the Paris Review. We were flown in to New York and were greeted with grace and professionalism at the St. Regis and were given pomegranate mojitos upon entry. After seventeen minutes of gathering our bearings, the interview began. We were asked, “As one of the most influential popular trends websites thriving today, what is the absolute worst female name?”

We answered immediately, in unison, “Pam.”

When local, inner-city youth, Robin, starts stealing from the rich it seems to give the impression that he’s a hero giving to the poor. But then it turns out he’s just a thief.

Coming to theaters this Christmas!

Hey, “Fans”

As you know, we here at the Lowbrow Sophisticate love to make fun of how ridiculous and silly (not to mention dangerous) Scientology is. Well, guess what, we weren’t the first to think so. Check out this excellent link where Screen Junkies tell us about NINE awesome-ass celebrities who thought Scientology was stupid long before we did

The bone-licking, subzero arctic air forced itself into Jack Grabber’s veins, dropping his core body temperature to a stern 89 degrees, which was troubling to Jack who always worried when his body temp dropped below its usual 94.1. Jack couldn’t believe that it was still snowing. It had been snowing for over a day and part of him was happy about it – anything to prove Al Gore’s silly global warming fairytales a farce – but another part of him was angry at the snow. Out of all of Mother Nature’s weathers he thought snow to be the cockiest: always shutting down cities, turning itself into water and eventually becoming slippery. He didn’t trust something that changed its appearance as much as snow did. It’s the same reason Jack Grabber didn’t trust the mystical, shape shifting Windigo of Native American folklore. He wished the government would send him on a murder mission against snow, but no matter how many requests he put in his boss’s suggestion bin, that call never came.

Grabber had to quit thinking about not liking the snow and focus on the task at hand. He had to keep burrowing, he had to find that box and kill to death whoever possessed it. Grabber could have had the box, killed who owned it and be finishing up his Sesame Chicken #18 from Orange Garden already if it wasn’t for all this damn snow. When General Howl called him in for the mission, Grabber wasn’t entirely enthusiastic. The last time he was in Chicago he was nearly turned into a werewolf while fighting a shape shifting lycanthrope at the Lincoln Park Zoo, not only that, he hated the way the alleys smelled. You could be walking down the street, catch a whiff of a Renaldi’s pie, walk past an alley and BAM! fart city. General Howl assured Grabber this time it would be different and boy was he right. Jack Grabber doesn’t keep time like most of us do and he certainly doesn’t follow the traditional idea of “months” and although he swears by his system, he often has no idea what time of year it is and because of this, he was not concerned about going to Chicago in the middle of January. Grabber studied the map of the city on the bus ride to town but his version of the map was missing one important aspect: the snow. Grabber couldn’t find his way through all the snow so he had to rely on his eleventh strongest sense: smell. Much like a German Shepard trained to sniff out bombs or homeless people in school basements, Jack Grabber spent many nights sitting alone in the dark with various items set before him, sniffing them strongly until he got a nosebleed (which signaled that the smell had been stored in his nostrils) and luckily for Jack, he did the same thing with the box that he was searching for now. He stole the box off of General Howl’s desk three years earlier when he noticed it and thought it would be good smelling material.

Grabber could barely smell the box through all the snow but it was close, he knew that much. As he dug and dug, he broke through the snow barrier and out onto Michigan Ave. Surrounded by dozens of abandoned cars, buses and trucks, he made his way down the empty street like a nomadic soldier walking through a winter apocalypse. The scent was getting stronger and good thing too – his baby seal, bunny hair and sloth puppy-lined coat was doing little to keep him warm. The smell of the box was at its strongest when he saw where he had to go… down the alley. The box was down at the end of the alley. Grabber had a choice to make: does he ignore all of it, return to General Howl empty handed with his shame between his legs or does he go down the stinky corridor of fear and get the box back? Grabber knew he couldn’t make this decision on his own and since the snow had kept any and all humans inside their respected dwellings, his only option was to make someone to have a conversation with. Although, he had never done it himself, he once saw a young child do it on television and so he began: he rolled the first big ball, remembering that the bottom had to be the biggest, he then rolled the second which was slightly smaller than the one before, finally, he rolled the third and smallest of them and placed it on top. He looked around for something to give his new friend senses with. With no coal or carrots in site, Grabber improvises – he uses a frozen dead rat for the nose, punchy fist holes for his eyes and the change from his pocket for the mouth. Grabber explained his alley-way dilemma to his new snow-boned friend and angry due to the lack of his response, he smashed the snowman to wintery pieces.

“I guess it’s down the alley for ol’ Grabby.” Jack Grabber said as he put up his koala cub hood. The box was at the end of the alley, he was certain of this. As he made his way down the alley he felt confident, confronting two of his biggest nemesis and as he reached the brick wall at the end of the alley, there it was – The box. When Grabber opened The Box, he was disappointed to find it empty. After all, Jack Grabber only smelled the box itself, not what was inside.

1. Get over 30 viewers a day!
2. Play Supersize Me with Goats Milk
3. Slow our rate of posting so as to maintain high quality standards
4. Get Jason Schwartzman to play both Adam and Dan in the MGM Biopic of Lowbrow Sophisticates
5. Donate more (bodily fluids)
6. Help elect the first black President
7. Say “No offense” more
8. Legalize It (not what you think)
9. Get two full body tattoo suits each
10. Rid the Nation of those filthy delicious owls once and for all.

Julian Assange was born in Townsville, Queensland, to a single mother, not knowing his biological father. When he was one, his mother married Brett Assange and they had another child, then divorced. A little while after, Julian’s mother remarried again and had another son and split two years later. It is believed that Assange had a penchant for computer hacking at such a young age being ever so influenced by all the men that “hacked” into his mother’s pants.

In 1987, at the age of 16, Assange began hacking under the name “Mendax.” He and two other hackers joined to form a group which they named the International Subversives. Assange wrote down the early rules of the subculture: “Don’t damage computer systems you break into (including crashing them); don’t change the information in those systems (except for altering logs to cover your tracks); and share information.” They were later known as the Leo Tolstoys of Hacking.

Following in the steps of his mother, Assange had a son out of wedlock in 1989. Due to his son’s mother being difficult, there was not a custody arraignment until 1999 prompting he and his mother to develop the activist group “Parent Inquiry Into Child Protection” which allowed access to otherwise inaccessible legal records related to child custody. This was a heartwarming reunion for Assange and his mother, Christina, who herself had custody issues with Julian and his brothers which unfortunately were never resolved due to her inability to pair any of her children to specific biological fathers.

Assange has reportedly attended six universities at various times. From 2003 to 2006, he studied physics and mathematics at the University of Melbourne, although he never graduated and received the minimum passing grades in most of his courses yet excelled in one: Home Gossipnomics.

Assange founded WikiLeaks in 2006. That year, Assange wrote two essays setting out the philosophy behind it: “To radically shift regime behavior we must think clearly and boldly for if we have learned anything, it is that regimes do not want to be changed. We must think beyond those who have gone before us and discover technological changes that embolden us with ways to act in which our forebears could not.” One can see where the impetus for his obsession with regime change derived from: having grown up under the oppressive dictatorship of Australia.

WikiLeaks has been involved in the publication of material documenting extrajudicial killings in Kenya, a report of toxic waste dumping on the African coast, Church of Scientology manuals, Guantanamo Bay procedures, the July 12th Baghdad airstrike video of 2007 and material involving large banks such as Kaupthing and Julius Baer. This has caused many Governments, including the United States, to label Assange an “International Cyber Terrorist,” “A crucial threat to the global community” and most cutting of all, “A real gossip king.”

On 20 August 2010, an investigation was opened against Assange and an arrest warrant issued in Sweden in connection with sexual encounters with two women, aged 26 and 31. Shortly after the investigation opened, chief prosecutor Eva Finné withdrew the warrant saying, “I don’t think there is reason to suspect that he has committed rape.” It was later discovered that the sensual acts began consensual but the condom broke and he was asked to stop during intercourse which he did not, proving he wasn’t just afraid of “wiki” leaks.

In a Time interview conducted after the release of the secret U.S. cables in November, 2010, Richard Stengel asked Assange whether Hillary Clinton should resign; Assange responded by stating, “She should resign if it can be shown that she was responsible for ordering U.S. diplomatic figures to engage in espionage in the United Nations, in violation of the international covenants to which the U.S. has signed up” a statement he ended with a wink – or as Assange calls them, “periods.”

On December 13, 2010, while incarcerated in London, Julian Assange was named the Readers’ Choice for Time magazine’s Person of the Year award for 2010. Assange’s 382,020 votes was more than double the vote for the second place person, a third of which were from those who mistook Assange for Harry Potter’s Draco Malfoy.