1961 – John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps. giving hippies one more thing to incessantly talk about besides weed.

1954 – The US tests the Hydrogen Bomb in the Marshal Islands giving all the Pacific Islander extra arms and noses as an Easter Present.

1978 – Charlie Chaplin’s coffin is stolen in Switzerland and is later found in a shack eating a shoe.

1978 – IRA leader Bobby Sands starts a hunger strike. He died 65 days later from a broken heart.

2005 – Dennis Rader, better known as the BTK killer, was sentenced to 175 years in prison for 10 counts of capital murder. Later when asked if he thought the sentencing was fair, he said that he thought the jury was prejudiced against “fellas with beards.”

1922 – Tornados are invented.

Unfortunately, for the once-popular Richard Dean Anderson, the recession-caused job loss that is hitting us all this year started for him in 1992.

People are right in guessing that Mr. Anderson is of part Native American origin. However, the assumption that his ancestors are from the Mullet tribe is incorrect (they were Mohawks).

The very clean-cut Anderson once surprisingly turned himself in to a rehab clinic for “substance abuse.” He was, however, not given admittance when he was informed that hairspray and cheap cologne is not one of the addictions they treat.

A famous TV critic once raved about Mr. Anderson’s unique appeal, citing as an example that there is “no poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.” The statement was retracted with apologies from the publication a week later when its editors realized that Richard Dean Anderson is himself the poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.

It’s well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an enormous fan of the Simpson’s. He says he identifies with all the characters on the cartoon show because he, too, is one dimensional and yellow.

Richard Dean Anderson, or “RDA” as he is known to his fans, grew up in the same state as our site creator, Daniel Richard Monroe or “DRM” as he is known to his fans. When RDA brought up that they both grew up in Minnesota at a Stargate SG-1 convention, DRM made it clear that he didn’t give a “FUK”.

Richard Dean Anderson is known to be an avid lover of dogs and has even been quoted saying “They are my favorite people”. This explains his seventeen arrests in eleven different states.

It is well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an avid supporter of gun control which paralleled his character of Angus MacGyver on the hit television series, MacGyver. Another parallel between Mr. Anderson and his character MacGyver is that they both have ridiculous names.

In 2006, Mr. Anderson reprised his role as MacGyver one last time in a MasterCard commercial. When asked why MasterCard was the company he chose to lend his oh so prestigious endorsement, he answered, “Because for the last 14 years I’ve had to live on credit.”

It may surprise the ladies to know that Mr. Anderson has never been married. This fact makes much more sense though, when one learns that he is a huge fan of ice hockey.

According to Wikipedia, when Mr. Anderson was 17 he rode his bike 5,641 miles from Minnesota to Alaska, starting out with some friends but traveling the last 33 days alone. It was a trip that would eerily foreshadow the trajectory of his life, where the years up through 1992 were spent surrounded by friends and the decades afterwards totally and utterly alone.

Richard Dean Anderson always dreamed of being a professional hockey player until he broke both of his arms in two separate games. Because of these accidents, he decided to turn to acting where he continued to “break” his dreams of being relevant.

In 1985 RDA was voted “Sexiest Survivalist” by People Magazine. When asked how he felt about the honor, he replied, “It’s nice, but I was hoping for Sexiest Mullet-Toting Jackass.”

MacGyver’s birthday can clearly be seen on his passport in episode 1-15, “Every Time She Smiles”, the first episode that introduced us to Penny Parker, who was played by Teri Hatcher who ironically enough, like Richard Dean Anderson, has completely disappeared into obscurity.
In many episodes of MacGyver, he must defeat a nemesis, Murdoc, who never seems to die. This recurring theme is said to be the studios hint to Richard Dean Anderson to “Give it a rest already.”

A lot of women who have dated Anderson but not married him have cited his apparent unwillingness (or inability?) to ever pay for dinner for their choice not to commit.

Unknown to many, Cuba Gooding Jr. got his start as “Billy Colton” on RDA’s MacGyver. After the first episode, RDA was overheard saying “This kid is gonna go places, I know it.” When asked what made him so sure, RDA replied “I just sent him to pick me up a new can of mullet wax.”

Holy

NOT holy

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And you all made it possible!

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Stop da presses, Yo, Perk dem ears –
We gotta Growin’ Pains problems, not da Wonder Years.
His names Andrew Koenig, but dats not da name you know
He’s that mother fucka Boner, from dat Kirk Cameron show.
Crashin’ in Vancouver, visitin’ homies –
Sportin’ that Boner but it ain’t for no “blow me’s.”
Kirk’s side kick never got on da plane –
But he’s saying dat he’s prayin’ repeatin’ God’s name.
All those Hail Marys ain’t brought him back yet –
Gettin’ nervous, like dat episode where he and DiCaprico met.
Now police be quotin’ Mr. Boner’s not dead –
But they worried just the same, ‘cause the long hair on his head.
Captain Kirk’s Chekov, is Boner’s sperm donor –
And he’s walkin’ in Canada, hopin’ to meet no coroner.
Remember Boner’s boner ain’t attached to “that” brain –
And all this missing, could just be more of those growin’ pains.

Losing a loved one can be difficult and downright dreadful to describe to inquiring minds. We here at the lowbrow sophisticate understand this and have taken the time to develop new names for death, thus lessening the burden for the rest of you. So next time you have to tell someone that someone died, try one of these:

New Names for Death

2 Became a Third-Party President
3 Blew the Whistle
4 Boarding the Ferry
5 Bouncing the check
6 Burned the Christmas Goose
7 Catching it on the Fly
8 Caught it on the Tail
9 Chalked It Up to Experience
10 Changing Address
11 Changing the guard
12 Changing the Locks
13 Channelled Elvis
14 Chasing that big ol’ Coon Dog in the Sky
15 Checking your Mirrors
16 Chuggin the Hemlock
17 Clogged the Slide
18 Closed out
19 Closing the Gate
20 Couldn’t Stand the Light
21 Creepin
22 Cuttin the Crusts Off
23 Decided Not to Shower
24 Dialed 9 to get out
25 Didn’t Set His Alarm
26 Double Parked
27 Draining the Tub
28 Duckin out on the Bills
29 Eddied Out
30 Emptied Out the Fridge
31 Enlisted in the Red Army
32 Exercised without Stretching
33 Existing-Not
34 Failed Chemistry
35 Failed the Bar

Don’t worry. There’s more…

I know a lot of you think that cleaning up the environment and going “green” is something only President Obama can achieve through savvy statesmanship resulting in non-binding agreements that will take effect (possibly) ten to twelve years from now. However, there are a lot of easy (and fun) things that you can do to reduce your environmental impact on the earth. Here are just a few!

- drink tap water instead of buying water in non-biogradable plastic bottles
- refrain from the use of aerosol as much as possible
- unplug the refrigerator each night before you go to bed
- recycle newspapers
- clip candles onto your christmas tree instead of electric lights
- ride your bike to work instead of using your automobile
- replace the nightlight in your child’s bedroom with a candle on the ground near his crib or bed
- eat raw food (like uncooked broccoli or chicken-sushi) instead of firing up the gas grill to cook them
- replace all lamps and other light fixtures with candles
- eat leftovers cold instead of reheating them
- ride your bike instead of driving your automobile when you go on your daily run to the store for candles

As we grow ever nearer to the first anniversary of the death of DJ AM, we all need to keep him in our hearts. Remembering him for the bright-eyed friend he was, the loving family member, and for his absolute refusal to learn to play a musical instrument.