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And you all made it possible!

BabyTouch Pillows!  Leave the old comforts of cotton or goose down stuffing behind and step into the new comforts of BabyTouch Pillows, the only pillows currently offering the comfort, warmth, smell and sweat-wicking capabilities of baby hair.  You’ll finally be able to sleep through the night.

Check ‘em out, it’s like sleeping with a baby!

Stop da presses, Yo, Perk dem ears –
We gotta Growin’ Pains problems, not da Wonder Years.
His names Andrew Koenig, but dats not da name you know
He’s that mother fucka Boner, from dat Kirk Cameron show.
Crashin’ in Vancouver, visitin’ homies –
Sportin’ that Boner but it ain’t for no “blow me’s.”
Kirk’s side kick never got on da plane –
But he’s saying dat he’s prayin’ repeatin’ God’s name.
All those Hail Marys ain’t brought him back yet –
Gettin’ nervous, like dat episode where he and DiCaprico met.
Now police be quotin’ Mr. Boner’s not dead –
But they worried just the same, ‘cause the long hair on his head.
Captain Kirk’s Chekov, is Boner’s sperm donor –
And he’s walkin’ in Canada, hopin’ to meet no coroner.
Remember Boner’s boner ain’t attached to “that” brain –
And all this missing, could just be more of those growin’ pains.

Losing a loved one can be difficult and downright dreadful to describe to inquiring minds. We here at the lowbrow sophisticate understand this and have taken the time to develop new names for death, thus lessening the burden for the rest of you. So next time you have to tell someone that someone died, try one of these:

New Names for Death

2 Became a Third-Party President
3 Blew the Whistle
4 Boarding the Ferry
5 Bouncing the check
6 Burned the Christmas Goose
7 Catching it on the Fly
8 Caught it on the Tail
9 Chalked It Up to Experience
10 Changing Address
11 Changing the guard
12 Changing the Locks
13 Channelled Elvis
14 Chasing that big ol’ Coon Dog in the Sky
15 Checking your Mirrors
16 Chuggin the Hemlock
17 Clogged the Slide
18 Closed out
19 Closing the Gate
20 Couldn’t Stand the Light
21 Creepin
22 Cuttin the Crusts Off
23 Decided Not to Shower
24 Dialed 9 to get out
25 Didn’t Set His Alarm
26 Double Parked
27 Draining the Tub
28 Duckin out on the Bills
29 Eddied Out
30 Emptied Out the Fridge
31 Enlisted in the Red Army
32 Exercised without Stretching
33 Existing-Not
34 Failed Chemistry
35 Failed the Bar

Don’t worry. There’s more…

I know a lot of you think that cleaning up the environment and going “green” is something only President Obama can achieve through savvy statesmanship resulting in non-binding agreements that will take effect (possibly) ten to twelve years from now. However, there are a lot of easy (and fun) things that you can do to reduce your environmental impact on the earth. Here are just a few!

- drink tap water instead of buying water in non-biogradable plastic bottles
- refrain from the use of aerosol as much as possible
- unplug the refrigerator each night before you go to bed
- recycle newspapers
- clip candles onto your christmas tree instead of electric lights
- ride your bike to work instead of using your automobile
- replace the nightlight in your child’s bedroom with a candle on the ground near his crib or bed
- eat raw food (like uncooked broccoli or chicken-sushi) instead of firing up the gas grill to cook them
- replace all lamps and other light fixtures with candles
- eat leftovers cold instead of reheating them
- ride your bike instead of driving your automobile when you go on your daily run to the store for candles

As we grow ever nearer to the first anniversary of the death of DJ AM, we all need to keep him in our hearts. Remembering him for the bright-eyed friend he was, the loving family member, and for his absolute refusal to learn to play a musical instrument.

1249 – Andrew of Longjumeau is dispatched by Louis IX of France as his ambassador to meet with Mongol Khagan of the Mongol Empire. The Mongolians are unexpectedly pleased with the meeting, noting that Longjumeau was “delicious.”

1868 – In New York City the Jolly Corks organization is renamed the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks in a terrible attempt at making their club name more catchy.

1899 – Knattspyrnufélag Reykjavíkur Iceland’s first football club is founded. Ten years later the team would change its name to the Jolly Corks in a very successful attempt at making it catchier.

1968 – In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service. The lines would remain silent, however, as the farm animals constantly being raped by Haleyville good ol’ boys could not figure out how to dial it with their hooves.

1985 – Hezbollah is founded. Happy birthday, Hezbollah!

1999 – In Uzbekistan, what sounds like a bomb exploding and heavy gunfire is heard near the office of President Islom Karimov. Secret Service agents found the President in his private restroom completely unharmed (he explained to them that the noises were the result of his having eaten his wife’s goulash).

Welcome to Apple Valley.

A nominally sized, everyday Midwestern town that at one time lay between an apple grove and the famous Nameless River. The apple trees died in the great freeze of 1977 but the name stayed as permanent as the graffiti on the door of the women’s restroom at the Ginger Head Park, just down the road from the Cheese Castle and Palatino Trailer Park.

Ext. Parking lot – Noon

Ray, Dex and Eric walk through the parking lot of a Golden Yum Yum Star Chinese Buffett. They walk towards a large white Dodge Van. The three of them get in.

Dex (to Ray): Can I ask you a question?

Ray: Shoot.

Dex: Why did we take your van to lunch and not the city pick-up?

Ray: Cause the city pickup doesn’t have a TV/VCR combo with a porno in it.

Dex: Oh.

Ray: Hey Eric, press play on that TV pod back there, would ya?

Dex hears the classic sounds of a pornographic film: the strange sucking, a baseball being thrown into mud, the scratching of beards…

Ray: That’s why we take the van.

Eric (from the back): Is this, ya know… allowed?

Ray: Are you kidding, the whole upper pad is like Larry Flint’s dumpster.

Dex: Oh, so it is allowed.

Ray: No. no. Not at all.

Ext. Outside the Upper Pad – Monday – 12:31

The upper pad is a massive twelve story storage facility where trucks/bull dozers/machinery is stored. There are two other pads: Lower and North. Ray enters the left side hub with Dex and Eric in tow. Burt and two of his team members (Jon and Zodiac) pass as they exit. Burt bumps into Ray.

Burt: Watch where you’re going Ray. If you want to touch me, just ask.

Burt’s hyenas laugh. Jon speaks.

Jon: Hey, Ray. Make sure that Pete kid meets with me on Friday; I need some help with the pool and Barry said that he’d help.

Ray: Okay, Jon.

They all laugh at Ray, Dex and Eric.

Ray: Okay guys, here’s our lady the trash truck. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you will be making the rounds through the city picking up all the city trash with Tim. You guys can figure out your own schedule, taking turns and shit. I’m going to take you out today, let you guys drive it around, learn the packing mechanism and the air brakes.

Dex: What happened to the guy before us?

Ray: Oh, well, you’ll hear that story if you’re good and if we decide to keep ya here.

Eric: Why wouldn’t ya keep us?

Ray: That’s exactly what the last guy said on his first day.

Pause.

Ray: Okay, well, after the ride I’ll introduce ya to Tim. He’s down at Ginger Head Park, cleaning up some graffiti. Those fuckin’ kids from Helsinki and theyre goddamn graffiti. Alright – chop, chop shitheads.