How Grabber Meets Godot
Samir Godot was born in 1963 in a small village in the desert tundra of South Africa. His mother died during child birth, was resuscitated just long enough to give him the name “Samir Godot”. Her name was Marie Hafermash, but she just liked the way “Samir Godot” sounded. Within seconds of naming him, she died again, for good. Samir’s father, Steve Akmenimagaad, was in the Republican Guard all throughout Samir’s period of upbringing. He died in 1987, when a practical joke turned tragic, and Steve Akmenimagaad was literally scared to death by a camel spider. At the ripe age of seven, Samir was recruited as a child soldier in the diamond mines of the Sierra Leone. He quickly climbed the ranks and became “Little Junior General” by the age of 12. By 15 he had executed 50 women, 9 men, 3 lions, and a rogue crocodile. By the time he reached his late teens he no longer dug for the diamonds he had collected for so many years, but commanded the largest child army Africa’s diamond trade had ever witnessed. At the age of 21 he joined the Republican Guard in Iraq and was a lead interrogator for the next eleven years. Sadam Hussein once said of him, “He is like the 9th son I never had.”
In 1991, Samir accidentally wandered into a Born Again Christian workshop thinking it was a seminar on the proper techniques of inserting bamboo shoots under fingernails. He liked what he heard and stayed a while. By the time the seminar was over, Samir had found God (whom he’d lose a mere 2 months later). With his new found faith, Samir decided to quit the Republican Guard to pursue his true love, scrap booking. The Republican Guard was not happy with this decision and put a price of 400 million Dinars on his head. Samir was captured in Takreet by one of Hussein’s sons, Sal. But, luckily for Samir Godot, a man by the name of Jack Grabber was also in Takreet that day and Mr. Grabber had an agenda of his own with Sal, to completely obliterate him. When Grabber showed up, Samir took advantage of the chaos that surrounded him to smash his wrists on the marble table he was tied to, until his hands and wrist bones were a limp jelly, thus making it easy to slip out of the triple knotted ropes that bound his hands. He then knocked over a pot of hot coffee into Sal Hussein’s lap, creating a diversion and allowing Grabber to punch Sal in the face so hard; his hand went right through like a foot through fresh cement. With a gooshy pull, an empty boney hole replaced Sal’s once handsome face and as the body slumped to the ground, Samir saw the winking eye of Jack Grabber through the face hole of Sal Hussein.
Grabber pulled out his adult size baby carrier, strapped it on and tossed Samir in the back, thinking he was a monkey and intended to sell this rare giant ape on the black market, which Jack Grabber later turned into a little cash cow now known as eBay. It took Samir 72 hours to convince Jack Grabber that he was indeed a human and in desperate need of medical care. Grabber, reluctant to give up this prized monkey, performed the surgery himself on his new friend Samir. The hands and wrists were so badly damaged that Grabber went out into the village and accused 40 innocent people of stealing, knowing that the punishment of course was a be-handing. Grabber took all 40 hands back, attaching each one over and over again until he found the perfect combination. This of course explains Samir’s two right hands. After a touch and go recovery, Samir’s hands were better than ever and Jack Grabber re-taught this monkey who saved his life, how to tie his boots with two right hands. 3 years went by where Samir and Grabber never spoke or saw one another. Then, one sweaty afternoon in Panama, they were reunited. Jack Grabber was tied to a 4 ton bomb and local villagers were hitting him in the head with hammers. Samir was there getting fresh bananas when he heard the hard knocking of steel against cranium. “That sounds familiar.” he thought. Then he remembered the sound Grabber’s head made when they were escaping Takreet so many years ago and Grabber banged his head on the door frame on the way out. “JACK!!!!!!!” Samir screamed. “SAMIR GODOOOOOOT!” Grabber replied. With two right hands, Samir was able to untie the knots that held Grabber to the bomb doubly fast. Once freed, Grabber and Samir destroyed that Panamanian village. They dug the graves so deep, the land curdled inward, creating what is now called “The Panama Canal”. Since this day, whenever Grabber works with a partner, which is never, it’s always Samir Godot.