Keith: As we all know, contributor D.R. Monroe is a committed practitioner of Diamond Way Buddhism, and a respectful follower of Lama Ole Nydahl. With such an extraordinary resource at our disposal, we’ve decided to conduct an intellectual roundtable on some of the most inspiring and misunderstood aspects of this extremely pious ethos.

Adam: Yeah, like do monks have sex?

Dan: (sigh)

Adam & Keith: (silently wait for an answer, Adam eventually humps the air from his chair)

Dan: (exasperated) If they live in a monastery, they have no sex.

Keith: Wow, what if they don’t? Can they have sex?

Dan: Yes, like the Dalai Lama can have sex because he has no home,

Adam: (interrupting) The world calls that a “bum.”

Dan: (ignoring) But Boddhisatvas that live in Tibet temples cannot.

Keith: The Dalai Lama doesn’t live in a monastery?

Adam: I want to be a monk who isn’t religious and has lots of sex!

Dan: No, he doesn’t.

Keith: So he just lives in a hotel or something?

Adam: I think he goes back and forth between L.A. and Manhattan.

Keith: Oh right, I heard he does a verse on the new Beastie Boyz album.

Dan: He does, he created the Beastie Boyz out of lotus petals and some flour. He travels constantly… like the lama in my lineage has no “home.”

Keith: Okay, but do they pay taxes then?

Adam: Can the Dalai Lama 69?

Dan: I think he can, if he knows what that is. What kind of taxes?

Keith: Income?

Dan: I don’t think he has an income. He depends on “alms of kindness.”

Keith: So he is a bum!

Adam: How come I have to be religious to not pay taxes?

Keith: So, if I gave him a Snickers as my “alm of kindness”, would he eat it?

Dan: Yes, he would.

Adam: This is all very confusing.

Keith: What if I offered him a big steak and potatoes, or a Big Mac, would he eat those things?

Daniel: Probably, I’m not sure if he’s a vegetarian or not.

Keith: Wow… sweet gig.

Daniel: Not every day or anything, he has to be ascetic.

Adam: “If I gave the Dalai Lama a snickers, would he eat it?”

Dan: Haha, of course.

Keith: It’s not “of course.”

Adam: I don’t think he can… I mean, I’m no expert, but…

Keith: Neither do I. What kind of a “holy man” can eat a Snickers?

Adam: If the Dalai Lama can eat a Snickers… well, count me out!

Dan: Sorry, I didn’t mean to patronize, but he definitely can. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not gonna go out and buy one.

Adam: He can’t, he has no money!

Dan: I read a book about this exact fact, that a lot of scholars in the 80s went through this phase where they thought bums became monks just to not be labeled “bums.” Because when you become a monk, you are freed from your wife and children and job with no repercussions and you are considered as a projection of goodness.

Adam: If I ever lose all my money, that’s the day I become religious!

Keith: It’s a good idea.

Dan: It’s actually pretty weird, because all these Asian bums were becoming Monks and they were shady folks and actually gave 100s of followers AIDS, and they were “banished” to Western Europe.

Adam: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dan eat a Snickers, now that I think about it.

Keith: The Dalai Lama is a “successful” bum.

Daniel: It’s a little more complicated than that.

Keith: Not really. He’s probably got a lot of money.

Daniel: He drives a BMW.

Keith: He only talks about math and science, or “the government”, just like any other bum I’ve ever met.

Dan: Very true, but you are accumulating some bad Karma here. The Dalai Lama will send you to hell.

Keith: Not if I offer him a Snickers.

Dan: Do it. He’ll take it, but he’ll be cautious like a squirrel.

Adam: He probably eats, like, one bite a day.

Dan: Are we finished here?

Keith: Yeah, I think that about covers it.

Adam: (humps the air)

This entry was posted on Monday, February 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm and is filed under LBS Interviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.