Various Sundries

<-- Some Musings

Some Musings
Various Sundries

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Sunday, August 8th, 2010 by Dan

Before Ernest Hemmingway wrote The Sun Also Rises, he had completed an epic novel; a novel discovered early this year by scholars who maintain it is by far his best work. This rare find has been described as a truly flawless love story and quite possibly the most touching tale of love ever put on paper. The story follows a terminally ill woman who is admitted to a long – term care facility where she is cared for by a brilliant physician who not only nurtured her but also devoted his entire life to discovering a cure for the disease that was ravaging the woman he was falling in love with. The greatest literary minds gathered to discuss why this compelling and beautiful story was never published and none of them could find a flaw until the title page was discovered in a seperate box with an alternate beginning. You see, the illness the main character suffered from was a severe stomach infection with a common side effect mirroring that of dysentery and Ernest Hemmingway made a note that he would never budge on the title of the book and it is presumed that his insistance on the title is what most likely kept the book from getting published. The title of the truest and most inspiring love story ever put down on paper: The Pooping Flu.

Hemingway would become much more articulate when titling his later works.

New Names For Death – Round 2

Friday, June 25th, 2010 by Dan

Due to the recent passing of celebrities like Gary “whatcha” Coleman and the slutty one from Golden Girls, we here at the Lowbrow Sophisticate find it cathartic to enhance the mourning process with inventive new terms to describe the journey our loved ones take when traveling to hell.

So if you’ve lost someone close to you, perhaps using these terms will soften the blow of reality:

Failed the Bar

Fell Off the branch

Fell to Pieces

Filled his Prescription

Finally Calmed Down

Finished their Book

Flew North

Flooded the Engine

Flyin’ First Class

Got it to go

Going the way of VHS

Got a divorce without paperwork

Got Called Up to the Majors

Got his Report Card

Got Sent to the Minors

Got Stiff in the Wrong Places

Got the Promotion He Deserved

Gritting His Teeth

Holding the Phone

Howled at the Moon

Jumped to the credits

Launched the Yacht

Layin’ Low

Leaving your coat on the rack

Left for Palestine

Left w/out Tipping

Locked the Hatchback

Lost some Weight

Lost His Footing

Lost His Pogs

Tell Us Who To Taunt!

Saturday, March 20th, 2010 by Dan

Tell us who to taunt and we’ll do it! Remember, these are unmerited, so no easy targets!

Torn From the Headlines – February 5th

Friday, February 5th, 2010 by Dan

Federal health officials have reported that for the fourth week in a row no states had widespread swine flu activity. A spokesman said that at this point the only known feverish pigs in America are the women waiting in line for tickets to Bon Jovi’s reunion tour.

Crates of Scotch whisky and brandy have been recovered by a team restoring an Antarctic hut used more than 100 years ago by famed polar explorer Ernest Shackleton. The century old liquor is said to have a delicate flavor bouqet of strong notes of “rotten” combined with hints of “disgusting”.

Weather-permitting, people in the eastern United States will get a great opportunity to see the space shuttle Endeavour launched into orbit early on Sunday morning, Feb. 7. Its wreckage should be seen raining down on the Midwest a little over a half hour later.

Doctors have found that a shark bite victim pulled from the ocean off South Florida died from “massive blood loss” which sounds about right.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Ten American members of a Baptist Church who tried to take 33 Haitian children out of the country last week without the government’s consent have been charged with child abduction and criminal conspiracy, as Haitian officials sought to reassert judicial control after the Jan. 12 earthquake. When questioned about the story, God said, “They’re doing it wrong.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Obama administration announced today that it’s taking huge steps to improve Bush’s “No Child Left Behind.” When asked specific details, President Obama said, “We’re going to make them smarter, but still dumb enough so they don’t notice how badly the government is raping them and their future.”

LONDON, UK – Antarctic Explorer Ernest Shackleton’s Century-Old Whisky Has Been Retrieved. According to Connecticut police, Rip Torn used his one phone call to ring the three crates and discuss what their plans were in 28 days.

Apple Valley

Friday, January 29th, 2010 by Dan

Welcome to Apple Valley.

A nominally sized, everyday Midwestern town that at one time lay between an apple grove and the famous Nameless River. The apple trees died in the great freeze of 1977 but the name stayed as permanent as the graffiti on the door of the women’s restroom at the Ginger Head Park, just down the road from the Cheese Castle and Palatino Trailer Park.

This fair city has the same things as other towns of the same ilk. The crime rate is low, there’s a Fire Muster every August and the sound of baseballs hitting bats can be heard in the summer if your car windows are rolled down. But just like any other town, Apple Valley doesn’t run on its own; there are faces behind the Welcome sign and hands that do the work: these are Streets Crew, the Sanitation Department, the Lawn and Fields crew, the Cops and the Parks Group. They all work together to keep Apple Valley the best town it can be and they all meet every morning at 5am in the round room of the City Lodge on West 141st Street. Most of the employees have been with the city for decades and their teams have been chosen, lines in the sand have been drawn and their relationships are now cemented while a steady schism announces clear boundaries of who’s with whom. Let’s meet the eight biggest heroes of the public –

Meet Ray:
Ray is 5 feet 4 inches. He’s a short man, but stocky. Don’t let his belly fool ya; he’s strong with a good heart. His lack of height is not matched by a Napoleon complex, as a matter of fact, he knows he’s short and doesn’t care one bit. He’s on his second wife and has a daughter and a son with a third on the way. Ray works for general maintenance and today’s special, today he’s getting two new guys to his summer crew who will work in Sanitation.

Meet John:
John’s a tall asshole with a big Wyatt Earp mustache. He works for the Streets Department and monitors the municipal pool.

Meet Burt:
Burt runs the Street Departments. He’s very tall and very thin and dresses in clothes from 1981. He’s mean to anyone who’s not in the street’s department and calls ‘em all “fags” even though Burt is remarkably effeminate and chain smokes Virginia Slims.

Meet Tim:
Tim is a very nice kid, he’s about twenty four. He works with Ray. A football injury in highschool has forced him to have a fairly sedentary lifestyle, which unfortunately has caused him to gain many pounds; he’s nearly two hundred and sixty pounds. Ray’s fairly certain he’s a virgin.

Meet Zodi:
Zodi’s an ex-con who moved to Apple Valley from San Francisco in 1988. No one knows what he did and there was a rumor that he was the Zodiac killer and everyone started calling him Zodiac, which eventually went to Zodi. Zodi works from streets and cleans up road kill. He plows streets in the winter.

Meet Jane:
Jane’s the only woman who works for the city crews and that would be in the Parks department. Jane’s a hard ass and doesn’t take any shit from the guys. She devised a plan early on and got almost every single guy in the city crews in a compromising position; got them to remove their dicks from their pants, noted the size, ended the rendezvous and told them she’d spread the size of their wand. She was divorced once and has no kids. She’s not outstanding in any particular way… yet.

Meet Barry:
Barry reports to Dale and is in charge of most of the crews with the exception of streets. No one knows who’s in charge of streets and most assume its Burt. Barry’s been divorced twice and has four kids who hate him, not ‘cause Barry’s a bad father, but because his kids are assholes. Barry has long hair, past his shoulders, but is bald on top. He’s five foot three almost a perfectly round orb of a man. He has a full handle bar mustache and he only wears tank tops, even in the dead of winter. He has two tattoos, running the length of each of his arms. One is a wizard, holding a staff and crystal ball up towards a dragon flying overhead; the other, a totally nude woman. It’s gross.

Meet Dale:
The Head Honcho, the boss’s boss. Dale is sixty three years old and a year from retirement. Dale’s your typical grandfather-esque man with a raspy voice and grey five o’clock shadow. He doesn’t work so much as hang out and many of the guys agree that Dale makes most of their jobs harder than they should be. Also, Dale lies. A lot.

INT. CITY OF APPLE VALLEY GREEN DODGE PICK-UP TRUCK – MONDAY – 8:37 AM

Ray drives the truck while Dale sits in the passenger seat with the window down. Dale hangs his right arm out the window and chews on a cigar.

Ray: So… you’re almost dunzo, hey.

Dale looks over at Ray.

Dale: What the fuck is dunzo? What is that? Slang? You’re too old for slang.

Ray: Yeah, I mean, you’re almost done.

Dale: Yep. Ten more shitty months of dealing with you fucking – wait… where are we? What street are we on?

Ray: We’re heading south on Palatino.

Dale: Take a left.

Ray: Why?

Dale: Just do it, Goddammit.

Ray takes a left at the corner and they drive through a trailer park.

Dale: I don’t get it. These sharters live in these broken down dick shacks and they got brand new 2011 Escalade lifters and Mustang – Oh shit, see, look at that idiot, total clown tent and there’s a goddamn Ski-Do in the driveway. No priorities. They don’t even have a car with a hitch to get to the lake.

Ray: What are you gonna do when you’re done, Dale?

Dale: Aw, shit. I don’t know. Drink, play with my grandkids.

Ray: You do that now.

Dale stares at Ray.

Dale: Hey don’t you got new boys coming in today? Where the shit are they? They gotta be better than that assbag you had last summer, what was his name… fuckin’ Bobbi?

Ray: It was Robbie.

Dale: What kind of name is Bobbi?

Ray: Anyway, they’re checking in with Tom now, paperwork and shit.

Dale: Back when I was where Barry is now, I used to throw those turds right into the riptide, ya know. Now they have to have “training” and sign their fucking “papers.”

Ray: What the hell are you talking about?

Dale: Oh good were here!

Ray: Where?

Dale reaches over the center console and takes control of the wheel, slides his butt over and presses hard on the gas pedal, revving the truck up to 75 miles an hour in a 25 mile an hour zone as they fly through the end of the trailer park.

Ray: What the FUCK are you doing, Dale!?

Dale leans out the window flagging the middle finger on both hands and screams,

Dale: FUCK YOU!

Ray looks out the window and sees two cop cars behind a water shed in a speed trap. They flip on their lights and then see its Dale and turn them immediately off. Dale plops down back in the seat.

Dale: Ha. Fuckin’ idiots. Ha. Ha… I’m hungry.

Keep checking back for more.

Champ Stamps

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 by Dan

An new LBS Trend certain to spread like swine flu: Lower back tattoos for males.

Torture Techniques Rejected by Dick Cheney and the CIA

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 by Dan

“Learning to Fly”
“Bed Head”
“Déjà vu”
“A Light Lunch”
“Atlas’ Heavy Burden”
“Alabama Twilight”
“Beyond Belief”
“The Bad Samaritan”
“Sunday Stroll”
“Jazz Hands”
“A Family Affair”
“No Time for Tears”
“Raw Deal”
“Trouble in the Kitchen”
“The Basketball Squad”
“Bedazzled”
“Farmer’s Delight”
“Sign of the Times”
“Dance All Night”
“The Highlight Reel”
“Bending Below”
“I Never Knew You Cared”
“Nothin’ But Net”
“St. Martin’s Press”
“Dinner with Barbara”
“How day Do Dat”
“Spelling Bee”

This Day in History! March 23

Monday, March 23rd, 2009 by Dan

On March 23rd, 2009 – Two lowbrows flew to Paris and were never to be seen again. Their names are still forgotten.

Relationship Advice with Humbert Humbert

Monday, March 2nd, 2009 by Dan

Mr. Humbert -

I hope you choose my query as one to address with your infinite wisdom. I have been with my girlfriend for two years now and things are starting to change. You see, she has gained a few pounds, and the only reason I breach this subject straight up is simply because she has brought it up to me. She says, “I’m sorry baby, I don’t feel comfortable with my body, I’ll lose a few pounds in the next week and we’ll make love then.” This is just disconcerting to me, Humbert. I am madly in love and I couldn’t care less about her weight. She is so wonderful and so attentive. I truly do love her. How can I convince her that I do not care how much she weighs and that I just want to love her, big or small?

- frustrated in love

F.I.L.

I laugh at this, my young friend. My laughter does not arise from a place of malice or disrespect. My jovial guffaws come from a well of sentimental memories. I believe that my experiences from a short while ago will reveal a concrete wisdom that can only be applied to your current conundrum.

She was thinner and taller, and for a second it seemed to me her face was less pretty than the mental imprint I had cherished for more than a month: her cheeks looked hallowed and too much lentigo camouflaged her rosy rustic features; and that first impression (a very narrow human interval between two tiger heartbeats) carried the clear implication that all widower Humbert had to do, wanted to do, or would do, was to give this wan-looking though sun-colored little orphan aux yeux battus (and even those plumbaceous umbrae under her eyes bore freckles) a nice girl-friends of her age among whom (if the fates deigned to repay me) I might find, perhaps, a pretty little Magdlein for Herr Doktor Humbert alone.

HA HA HA HA. Oh my dear, dear F.I.L. I not only sense, but bathe in your confusion and your sorrow! But “in a wink,” as the Germans say, the angelic line of conduct will be erased, and overtake your prey (time moves ahead of our fancies!), and she will be your Lo again-in fact, more of your Lo than ever!

I relax in my wicker as I know, more than any advice I have ever disclosed, that these words have helped you more than they could help another soul. I hope this eases you into rest this evening, my friend, my F.I.L.

Get to Know Your LBS Writers

Thursday, February 26th, 2009 by Adam

In an effort to better make ourselves known to you, we here at LBS decided to take 9 or 10 seconds to look up movies whose titles are our first names and post the plot summaries as they pretty much say it all.

Dan:

Dan is only 10 years old and is caught between a younger and an older sister who tease, manipulate and tell him off. Dan is always the loser of the battle for the affection of their busy parents and the scapegoat who ends up doing the dishes on his own. And when the family relax together, there is not really room for him. (IMDb link)

Keith:

17-year-old Natalie thinks she’s got it all figured out until she falls for a guy who has nothing to lose! (IMDb link)

Adam:

A lonely, autistic man, Adam, develops a relationship with his upstairs neighbor, Beth. (IMDb link)

It’s a fun game. Try it yourself and post your movie summary/link in the comments. Play it with your friends and grandparents! Why won’t you play it??