It used to be that if you had consensual sex with someone before you were married, this is what would happen if you were caught!

Now, though, it’s ok…  you can do it if you want to!

The search continues for actor Andrew Koenig who was last seen in Vancouver days ago and has not been heard from since.  Koenig is best/only known for his portrayl of Boner on the show “Growing Pains.”  Police are searching for Boner in Vancouver, Los Angeles, and in pants.

U.S. Olympic snowboarder and presumed pot-enthusiast Shaun White told reporters recently that “snowboarding chose me” as opposed to the other way around, adding with a note of sadness “just like my disgusting face.”  The snowboarding sensation is a true inspiration, though, having risen to the height of his sport despite living with a heart problem.  That heart problem?  The inability to love his parents.

Car giant Toyota is stepping up efforts to do publicity damage control in the wake of their giant recall.  The company’s CEO has called for an “acceleration of efforts to restore public faith in their brand,” adding that the acceleration of these efforts should be “fast, but not so fast that we end up wrapped around a telephone pole only to come back to consciousness in a pool of our passengers blood.”

The guy who figure skates for the U.S. has complained about another figure skating guy criticizing him just after his big win in the Olympics.  Apparently Russian figure skating guy said that the U.S. figure skating guy didn’t deserve the medal because he didn’t attempt the customary “quadruple jump.”  American figure skating guy says it was a low blow to air such a personal criticism in the media when “he could have just told me last night in bed.”

I know a lot of you think that cleaning up the environment and going “green” is something only President Obama can achieve through savvy statesmanship resulting in non-binding agreements that will take effect (possibly) ten to twelve years from now. However, there are a lot of easy (and fun) things that you can do to reduce your environmental impact on the earth. Here are just a few!

- drink tap water instead of buying water in non-biogradable plastic bottles
- refrain from the use of aerosol as much as possible
- unplug the refrigerator each night before you go to bed
- recycle newspapers
- clip candles onto your christmas tree instead of electric lights
- ride your bike to work instead of using your automobile
- replace the nightlight in your child’s bedroom with a candle on the ground near his crib or bed
- eat raw food (like uncooked broccoli or chicken-sushi) instead of firing up the gas grill to cook them
- replace all lamps and other light fixtures with candles
- eat leftovers cold instead of reheating them
- ride your bike instead of driving your automobile when you go on your daily run to the store for candles

As we grow ever nearer to the first anniversary of the death of DJ AM, we all need to keep him in our hearts. Remembering him for the bright-eyed friend he was, the loving family member, and for his absolute refusal to learn to play a musical instrument.

The Humane Society is gathering used fur coats from people and using it as bedding for orphaned animals under the theory that it helps remind the creatures of their mothers and fathers. Some have mocked the irony of this situation, but it’s hard to argue against the logic. After all, if you lost your parents you would have to admit that their memory would remain more vividly with you if you were then forced to wear a Snuggie made from their skin.

Top brass at the Pentagon have come out in support of repealing the infamous “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule. One admiral went as far as to say “gays should be allowed to serve in any branch the military at large and not just in the Navy.”

Unearthing information that smaller media institutions just can’t get to, respected news giant MSNBC has reported today on their front page that the situation in Haiti is “potentially volatile.”

Renowned buzz-kill Punxsutawney Phil came out of his little home the other day only to see his shadow. This proves that a) we’ve got a lot of winter left to live through, and b) sunlight still casts shadows when it shines down on stuff. It should be further noted that the little guy himself has had a long hard year, losing his mother only this past fall. Nonetheless he seemed in good enough spirits, as thanks to the Humane Society he was wearing her skin.

The group Lancet has retracted their famous study findings of 1998 that had asserted that autism is caused by vaccinations for measles, mumps and other diseases. With this explanation for autism now gone, society is forced once again to recognize it as a punishment from God.

1790 – In New York City, the Supreme Court of the United States attempts to convene for the first time; fails due to lack of guiding precedent.

1865 – President Abraham Lincoln signs the Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. The amendment officially abolished slavery and forced servitude outside of the institution of marriage.

1920 – The Royal Canadian Mounted Police begins operations / first gay joke about “mounties” is made.

1968 – Canada’s three military services, the Royal Canadian Navy, the Canadian Army and the Royal Canadian Air Force, are unified into the Canadian Forces. The world quakes in terror.

1978 – Director Roman Polanski skips bail and flees the United States to France after pleading guilty to charges of engaging in sex with a 13-year-old girl. Celebrities around the world immediately forgive him because they liked “Rosemary’s Baby.” Unfortunately he, too, liked Rosemary’s baby.

1982 – Senegal and the Gambia form a loose and completely pointless confederation known as Senegambia.

1985 – Maybell, Colorado reaches a record low of -61 degrees. Scientists finally discover the freezing point of pubic hair.

1998 –Lillian E. Fishburne became the first female African American to be promoted to rear admiral. Reports that it “didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would once we got going.”

2004 – 251 people are trampled to death and 244 injured in a stampede at the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia. Allah says “oooh, SO close but you don’t get your virgins.”

1948 -Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi assassinated by a Hindu fanatic. It’s believed that this man was the founder of PETA.

1933: Adolf Hitler is named chancellor of Germany. To this day it’s considered Germany’s most unfortunate triple dog dare.

1969: Beatles last public appearance. Unfortunately this was due to the untimely death of Ringo Starr.

1845 – Edgar Allen Poe published his famous poem, “The Raven” which forever changed the world’s perception of the dark bird; from a once cherished majestic songstress with piercing blue eyes into a carcass scouring shit moth.

1963 – Robert Frost died in his home in Boston due to complications from prostate surgery, a surgery, the doctors begged him not to do himself.

1984 – President Reagan formally announces he will seek a second term as President (to the crowd of stuffed animals he’d assembled on his bed).

1979 – Emerson, Lake and Palmer disband after 10 years together; receive first standing ovation.

1984 – Actress Lynda Carter marries Robert Altman in a HUGE mistake.

1624 – Sir Thomas Warner founds the first British colony in the Caribbean on the island of Saint Kitts. The natives of St. Kitts are so overjoyed that most of them die.

1871 – Franco-Prussian War: the Siege of Paris ends in French defeat, an armistice, and hors d’oeuvres.

1887 – In a snowstorm at Fort Keogh, Montana, the world’s largest snowflakes are reported, 15 inches wide and 8 inches thick. Surviving witnesses described it as incredibly beautiful and absolutely deadly (over 200 lives lost).

1985 – Supergroup USA for Africa records the hit single We Are the World, to help raise funds for Ethiopian famine relief. It becomes the highest-grossing terrible song ever.

1986 – NASA send its giant firework “Challenger” up into the sky with spectacular results.

A pleasant-looking, Ivy-League educated young man with plenty of go-get-’em who nonetheless can’t land a job because his $375 dress shoes are ALWAYS inexplicably covered in spit.