1961 – John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps. giving hippies one more thing to incessantly talk about besides weed.

1954 – The US tests the Hydrogen Bomb in the Marshal Islands giving all the Pacific Islander extra arms and noses as an Easter Present.

1978 – Charlie Chaplin’s coffin is stolen in Switzerland and is later found in a shack eating a shoe.

1978 – IRA leader Bobby Sands starts a hunger strike. He died 65 days later from a broken heart.

2005 – Dennis Rader, better known as the BTK killer, was sentenced to 175 years in prison for 10 counts of capital murder. Later when asked if he thought the sentencing was fair, he said that he thought the jury was prejudiced against “fellas with beards.”

1922 – Tornados are invented.

1249 – Andrew of Longjumeau is dispatched by Louis IX of France as his ambassador to meet with Mongol Khagan of the Mongol Empire. The Mongolians are unexpectedly pleased with the meeting, noting that Longjumeau was “delicious.”

1868 – In New York City the Jolly Corks organization is renamed the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks in a terrible attempt at making their club name more catchy.

1899 – Knattspyrnufélag Reykjavíkur Iceland’s first football club is founded. Ten years later the team would change its name to the Jolly Corks in a very successful attempt at making it catchier.

1968 – In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service. The lines would remain silent, however, as the farm animals constantly being raped by Haleyville good ol’ boys could not figure out how to dial it with their hooves.

1985 – Hezbollah is founded. Happy birthday, Hezbollah!

1999 – In Uzbekistan, what sounds like a bomb exploding and heavy gunfire is heard near the office of President Islom Karimov. Secret Service agents found the President in his private restroom completely unharmed (he explained to them that the noises were the result of his having eaten his wife’s goulash).

1926 – Carter G. Woodson founded Negro History Week, which later evolved into Black History Month. Later the Bush administration would complain, “Why did he have to pick such a long month.”

1971 – Women in Switzerland were finally granted suffrage. Within minutes the Swiss Bikini Team was formed.

1904 – A fire began in Baltimore that raged for about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings. The damage was never restored, but rather advertised as “slightly used ghettos.”

1943 – The government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year which was two more than anyone ever bought in 1943.

John Haynes Holmes said, “Priests are no more necessary to religion than politicians to patriotism.” He later stated Americans are no more necessary to the United States than choir boys are to destroying young person’s lives.”

32 years ago today, Ashton Kutcher was born, thus beginning a banal evolution of extreme douche bags which, in the future, will be referred to as “Kouche Bags.”

1984 – Space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk, which lasted nearly six hours… mostly because the two forgot to tether themselves.

1964 – The Beatles, the famous British quartet, land on U.S. soil for the first time, thus creating “Beatlemania.” The insignificance of Ringo Starr could barely be heard over the roar of thousands of teenage girls.

1881 Phoenix, Ariz., was incorporated. Sorry America.

1917 – Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, a law severely curtailing the immigration of Asians. Wilson held a lifelong grudge with Congress, referring to them as the largest group of “Cock blocks” in the history of the United States.

1958 – Gamel Abdel Nasser was nominated to become the first president of the new United Arab Republic starting the first of 40 years of a positive, friendly and trustworthy relationship with the United States.

1988 – Panamanian military leader Gen. Manuel Noriega was indicted on bribery and drug trafficking charges in Florida. This would be known as the least deceitful event pay rolled by the CIA.

1997 – Investment bank Morgan Stanley announced a $10 billion merger with Dean Witter. After the merger, CEO Purcell stated, “See, we don’t need the government to help us.”

2002 – A federal grand jury indicted John Walker Lindh, the so-called “American Taliban,” alleging that he was trained by Osama bin Laden’s network, he conspired with the Taliban to kill Americans and he had the worst beard they’d ever seen.

2003 – Secretary of State Colin Powell urged the U.N. Security Council to move against Iraq, saying that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and was harboring terrorists. That’s it… that’s the joke.

2007 – Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 1,000 miles from Houston to Orlando, Fla., to mount a bizarre attack on a romantic rival. Her lawyer told her not to worry and that “Three years from now, to the day, everyone will have forgotten about all of this.”

62 AD – Earthquake in Pompeii Italy. A surviving mother assures her young children that “the good news is, this will be the worst thing that ever happens to us and our city; the worst is behind us.”

1818 – Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte ascends to the thrones of Sweden and Norway (placing one butt-cheek on each).

1917 – The current constitution of Mexico is adopted, establishing a federal republic with powers separated into independent executive, legislative, and judicial branches. This system of checks and balances works leads to Mexico’s current status as one of the foremost exponents of democracy and fairness.