389 – St. Patrick allegedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland – an act so incredibly impressive to the Irish that they have celebrated it by getting completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th since. What is often forgotten, however, is that St. Patrick also drove out every decent looking woman too.

461 – According to tradition, St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul, County Down, giving millions of shitty Americans an excuse to get completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th.

1845 – The rubber band was patented by Stephen Perry of London, finally allowing men with long hair to finally “pull it back.”

1868 – Postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued, infuriating dozens of other dorks who were trying to patent their postage stamp canceling machine.

1932 – German police raided Hitler’s Nazi headquarters where they uncovered dozens of sketches of an early Alfred E. Neuman prototype with the words, “What, Me Worry?” written in German.

1942 – John Wayne Gacy, was born in Chicago, Ill. His mother was quoted as saying, “We just know he’s going to grow up to be quite the ladies man.”

1952 – A US ban on the word “tornado” was lifted. The ban had started in 1886 when the US Army, which handled weather forecasting, determined that the harm done by predicting a tornado would be greater than that done by the tornado itself. The lifting of the ban put an end to one of the dumbest things ever.

1959 – The Dalai Lama fled Tibet and went to India, triggering a flood of refugees escaping Chinese rule. It turned out real good for them.

1999 – The Vatican and Sony announced the release of the first music video, “Abba Pater,” by Pope John Paul II. It was a PR move in order to make the Pope seem more “hip,” because their first attempt, Child Molestation, wasn’t working.

2000 – The United States lifted a ban on imports of Iranian luxury goods. Americans were finally able to purchase super hairy things and homophobia!

2003 – Police found 28 baby girls hidden in suitcases aboard a long-distance bus in southern Guangxi, apparently being smuggled for sale. Police later arrested 10 people involved in the scheme. The charges were later dropped when it was discovered that’s just how Chinese people sleep.

2004 – Harvard researchers reported that an enzyme in the brain appears to regulate appetite and weight. They named it the “Kirstie Alley” gene.

2005 – Lil’ Kim was convicted of lying to a grand jury about a shootout outside a New York radio station. Lil’ Kim started serving her 366-day sentence just before her fourth album was released in September 2005. This was a shocking revelation as no one would ever suspect a rapper of lying.

2006 – Some 93 whales began beaching themselves in Indonesia’s Central Sulawesi province. About 50 died as local villagers dragged at least 40 back to the open sea. Many scientists believe the cause of this was due to the fact that whales are stupid.

2006 – Officials in Japan said they have confirmed the country’s first case of mad cow disease in cattle raised to provide meat. The good news is that none of their dog and cat meat had mad cow disease.

2006 – A bus carrying dozens of teenagers on a school field trip toppled off a bridge on the outskirts of Mexico’s capital, killing 7 people and injuring at least 28. The Mexican police ruled the deaths a drug overdose.

1961 – John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps. giving hippies one more thing to incessantly talk about besides weed.

1954 – The US tests the Hydrogen Bomb in the Marshal Islands giving all the Pacific Islander extra arms and noses as an Easter Present.

1978 – Charlie Chaplin’s coffin is stolen in Switzerland and is later found in a shack eating a shoe.

1978 – IRA leader Bobby Sands starts a hunger strike. He died 65 days later from a broken heart.

2005 – Dennis Rader, better known as the BTK killer, was sentenced to 175 years in prison for 10 counts of capital murder. Later when asked if he thought the sentencing was fair, he said that he thought the jury was prejudiced against “fellas with beards.”

1922 – Tornados are invented.

1249 – Andrew of Longjumeau is dispatched by Louis IX of France as his ambassador to meet with Mongol Khagan of the Mongol Empire. The Mongolians are unexpectedly pleased with the meeting, noting that Longjumeau was “delicious.”

1868 – In New York City the Jolly Corks organization is renamed the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks in a terrible attempt at making their club name more catchy.

1899 – Knattspyrnufélag Reykjavíkur Iceland’s first football club is founded. Ten years later the team would change its name to the Jolly Corks in a very successful attempt at making it catchier.

1968 – In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service. The lines would remain silent, however, as the farm animals constantly being raped by Haleyville good ol’ boys could not figure out how to dial it with their hooves.

1985 – Hezbollah is founded. Happy birthday, Hezbollah!

1999 – In Uzbekistan, what sounds like a bomb exploding and heavy gunfire is heard near the office of President Islom Karimov. Secret Service agents found the President in his private restroom completely unharmed (he explained to them that the noises were the result of his having eaten his wife’s goulash).

1926 – Carter G. Woodson founded Negro History Week, which later evolved into Black History Month. Later the Bush administration would complain, “Why did he have to pick such a long month.”

1971 – Women in Switzerland were finally granted suffrage. Within minutes the Swiss Bikini Team was formed.

1904 – A fire began in Baltimore that raged for about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings. The damage was never restored, but rather advertised as “slightly used ghettos.”

1943 – The government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year which was two more than anyone ever bought in 1943.

John Haynes Holmes said, “Priests are no more necessary to religion than politicians to patriotism.” He later stated Americans are no more necessary to the United States than choir boys are to destroying young person’s lives.”

32 years ago today, Ashton Kutcher was born, thus beginning a banal evolution of extreme douche bags which, in the future, will be referred to as “Kouche Bags.”

1984 – Space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk, which lasted nearly six hours… mostly because the two forgot to tether themselves.

1964 – The Beatles, the famous British quartet, land on U.S. soil for the first time, thus creating “Beatlemania.” The insignificance of Ringo Starr could barely be heard over the roar of thousands of teenage girls.

1881 Phoenix, Ariz., was incorporated. Sorry America.

1917 – Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, a law severely curtailing the immigration of Asians. Wilson held a lifelong grudge with Congress, referring to them as the largest group of “Cock blocks” in the history of the United States.

1958 – Gamel Abdel Nasser was nominated to become the first president of the new United Arab Republic starting the first of 40 years of a positive, friendly and trustworthy relationship with the United States.

1988 – Panamanian military leader Gen. Manuel Noriega was indicted on bribery and drug trafficking charges in Florida. This would be known as the least deceitful event pay rolled by the CIA.

1997 – Investment bank Morgan Stanley announced a $10 billion merger with Dean Witter. After the merger, CEO Purcell stated, “See, we don’t need the government to help us.”

2002 – A federal grand jury indicted John Walker Lindh, the so-called “American Taliban,” alleging that he was trained by Osama bin Laden’s network, he conspired with the Taliban to kill Americans and he had the worst beard they’d ever seen.

2003 – Secretary of State Colin Powell urged the U.N. Security Council to move against Iraq, saying that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and was harboring terrorists. That’s it… that’s the joke.

2007 – Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 1,000 miles from Houston to Orlando, Fla., to mount a bizarre attack on a romantic rival. Her lawyer told her not to worry and that “Three years from now, to the day, everyone will have forgotten about all of this.”

62 AD – Earthquake in Pompeii Italy. A surviving mother assures her young children that “the good news is, this will be the worst thing that ever happens to us and our city; the worst is behind us.”

1818 – Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte ascends to the thrones of Sweden and Norway (placing one butt-cheek on each).

1917 – The current constitution of Mexico is adopted, establishing a federal republic with powers separated into independent executive, legislative, and judicial branches. This system of checks and balances works leads to Mexico’s current status as one of the foremost exponents of democracy and fairness.