Horatio Sanz is so thin now that even Chuck Palahniuk wouldn’t accept him as a premise.

With Horatio’s weight loss, the North American continent has reclaimed approximately 14 inches of coastline previously thought to have been lost by rising water levels from global warming.

Horatio Sanz has lost so much weight that his body now joins his mind in being insubstantial.

Now that Horatio Sanz has lost the weight, NASA is reporting that the earth has finally returned to its natural orbiting pattern around the sun.

Now that Horatio has lost those tons of excess weight, scientists say that they are going to put the dinosaur back onto the extinct list.

Since Horatio lost the weight, his home town’s climate has become two degrees cooler on average from the heat no longer generated between his thighs when he walks.

Horatio Sanz says he lost the excess pounds primarily from eating better – instead of butter.

Horatio Sanz is so skinny now that he falls into the toilet when he sits down to pee.

Horatio is overjoyed with his weight loss and loves telling people about how he lost his spare tire. Unfortunately, for the most part, people would like to be spared his tiring story.

Horatio Sanz attributes his lost poundage to exercise. Yeah, running his MOUTH.

Horatio would love for his ex to see how he’s shed the poundage rather than what she’s currently doing: getting pounded in a shed.

Horatio may not be carrying nearly so much weight around anymore… but don’t worry, he hasn’t stopped carrying his ugly mug so you’ll still recognize him on the street.

Sanz’s waist is now pencil-thin, meaning that his lovers can now describe his waist and his genitals conveniently using the same phrase.

Do you remember looking at the moon as a child and being shown how you can discern a face in it? It was a real joy, right? Now imagine the disappointment of alien children on the moon now that Sanz’s face has slimmed so much that they can barely discern it without a telescope.

In a real case of irony, now that Horatio is so sveldt that he has announced he’s going to become a chubby chaser. When asked why, he said “b/c now I can actually run.”

Horatio’s diet isn’t all good news. Scientists are now lamenting the loss of the third biggest body of water on earth.

Unlike when he was a cow, the next girl Horatio sleeps with won’t be crushed and breathless after the sex… just disappointed.

People look at Horatio’s new muscled body and wonder how a man can look so strong yet weigh so little. The answer? He’s full of hot air and there’s nothing between his ears.

Why did young Calvin Broadus change his name to Snoop Dogg? Well, because he knew that if he ever got the chance to have sex it would help to explain his small, bright red penis.

Why did Snoop Dogg title his most famous album “Doggy Style”? He wanted to send a message to Dr. Dre that they should try out new positions in bed to spice up their flagging love life.

Snoop’s albums are noteworthy for their constant disparaging comments about bitches. Sadly, this self-loathing is probably the single most recurring theme in the artists oeuvre.

In 1993, Snoop discovered a young rapper in Columbus, Ohio whom he dubbed “Lil Bow Wow”. Snoop immediately proclaimed “he’s going to be just like me” to the press. However the prediction has seemingly not come true. As I write this in 2009, Lil Bow Wow is still not a murderer and has even learned to read.

In the mid-nineties, Dr. Dre suddenly left Death Row records, causing Snoop to have to co-produce his album The Doggfather with dismal results. This would not be the only time, either, as Dr. Dre would go on to pull-out on Snoop in their scene together in the Doggfather’s porno flick “Snoop Dogg’s Doggstyle” in 2000.

Snoop continued his meteoric decline with a release titled “Paid tha Cost to be tha Bo$$”. Jaded fans sadly noted that not only was the music bad but this time even the album title had misspellings in it.

Snoop’s album title “Paid tha Cost to be tha Bo$$” had the unintended effect of reminding his fans that although he would pay any price to get out from under Suge Knight, he still refused to pay his alimony, child-support, or tip waiters.

In 2008, Broadus gave in to mounting public desire to learn his secrets to good parenting and filmed a show on the subject called “Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood”. However, the show squandered the public’s initial favor when it became apparent that the main lesson Snoop was imparting to his son, “aim high”, had more to do with sighting a gun while under the influence of marijuana than with setting ambitious but attainable life goals.

Ex girlfriends have embarrassingly confessed to reporters that when the famous singer references his “nine millimeter” in song he isn’t talking about a gun.

The famously lanky performer has told newspapers that his scrawny physique is due to a naturally high metabolism. In fact, the only times Snoop has ever been known to put on an extra pound or two are during outbreaks of his particularly potent strain of genital warts.

Doctors have contested Snoop’s claims of a “naturally high” metabolism, saying that although marijuana is a plant, it is not exactly “natural” to smoke a pound of it a day.

Although dogs are the only animal that Broadus has self-identified with in public, it is well known in the social circles he frequents that he is also a consumate stool pidgeon.

Unfortunately, for the once-popular Richard Dean Anderson, the recession-caused job loss that is hitting us all this year started for him in 1992.

People are right in guessing that Mr. Anderson is of part Native American origin. However, the assumption that his ancestors are from the Mullet tribe is incorrect (they were Mohawks).

The very clean-cut Anderson once surprisingly turned himself in to a rehab clinic for “substance abuse.” He was, however, not given admittance when he was informed that hairspray and cheap cologne is not one of the addictions they treat.

A famous TV critic once raved about Mr. Anderson’s unique appeal, citing as an example that there is “no poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.” The statement was retracted with apologies from the publication a week later when its editors realized that Richard Dean Anderson is himself the poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.

It’s well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an enormous fan of the Simpson’s. He says he identifies with all the characters on the cartoon show because he, too, is one dimensional and yellow.

Richard Dean Anderson, or “RDA” as he is known to his fans, grew up in the same state as our site creator, Daniel Richard Monroe or “DRM” as he is known to his fans. When RDA brought up that they both grew up in Minnesota at a Stargate SG-1 convention, DRM made it clear that he didn’t give a “FUK”.

Richard Dean Anderson is known to be an avid lover of dogs and has even been quoted saying “They are my favorite people”. This explains his seventeen arrests in eleven different states.

It is well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an avid supporter of gun control which paralleled his character of Angus MacGyver on the hit television series, MacGyver. Another parallel between Mr. Anderson and his character MacGyver is that they both have ridiculous names.

In 2006, Mr. Anderson reprised his role as MacGyver one last time in a MasterCard commercial. When asked why MasterCard was the company he chose to lend his oh so prestigious endorsement, he answered, “Because for the last 14 years I’ve had to live on credit.”

It may surprise the ladies to know that Mr. Anderson has never been married. This fact makes much more sense though, when one learns that he is a huge fan of ice hockey.

According to Wikipedia, when Mr. Anderson was 17 he rode his bike 5,641 miles from Minnesota to Alaska, starting out with some friends but traveling the last 33 days alone. It was a trip that would eerily foreshadow the trajectory of his life, where the years up through 1992 were spent surrounded by friends and the decades afterwards totally and utterly alone.

Richard Dean Anderson always dreamed of being a professional hockey player until he broke both of his arms in two separate games. Because of these accidents, he decided to turn to acting where he continued to “break” his dreams of being relevant.

In 1985 RDA was voted “Sexiest Survivalist” by People Magazine. When asked how he felt about the honor, he replied, “It’s nice, but I was hoping for Sexiest Mullet-Toting Jackass.”

MacGyver’s birthday can clearly be seen on his passport in episode 1-15, “Every Time She Smiles”, the first episode that introduced us to Penny Parker, who was played by Teri Hatcher who ironically enough, like Richard Dean Anderson, has completely disappeared into obscurity.
In many episodes of MacGyver, he must defeat a nemesis, Murdoc, who never seems to die. This recurring theme is said to be the studios hint to Richard Dean Anderson to “Give it a rest already.”

A lot of women who have dated Anderson but not married him have cited his apparent unwillingness (or inability?) to ever pay for dinner for their choice not to commit.

On MacGyver, Mr. Anderson would do things like create a bomb out of a pen, some chewing gum, and a box of staples. In his post-MacGyver life, Anderson seemed to work similar magic in creating bombs out of a new tv pilot script, some financing and himself as the proposed star.

Unknown to many, Cuba Gooding Jr. got his start as “Billy Colton” on RDA’s MacGyver. After the first episode, RDA was overheard saying “This kid is gonna go places, I know it.” When asked what made him so sure, RDA replied “I just sent him to pick me up a new can of mullet wax.”

Reports are now abounding that John Grisham has finished his next action novel and that this one is truly heart-stopping. Yes, a study of readers by medics found that during the first 100 pages their pulses slowed to about half the normal rate. During the love sub-plot some readers dropped to a rate that would typically indicate being asleep. The intricate finale (spanning nearly the last 150 pages!) resulted in four deaths, six cases of irreversible comas, and one suicide.

Grisham has said he is experimenting with a new type of villain in this novel – one like the world has never seen: one dimensional and only vaguely threatening.

Grisham has sold over 250 million copies worldwide. That’s right. Over 250 million books with plots copied from other authors and from his own previous works.

The Mississippi State University Library maintains a room called the John Grisham Room to this day. University officials note that next to the school dump it is their largest collection of garbage.

Grisham’s wikipedia entry states that “Grisham is also well known within the literary community for his efforts to support the continuing literary tradition of his native South.” This sounds philanthropic until you realize that the literary tradition of southern America is illiteracy and intolerance.

Grisham is well known for his modern legal drama. However, quite apart from his numerous pending trials for indecent exposure he also writes books in courtroom settings.

Grisham has said that his family splits their time between their Victorian home on a farm outside Oxford, Mississippi, and a home near Charlottesville, Virginia. His wife splits her time between him, a successful young male modern art dealer, and the boy who works the counter at their local Starbucks.

When it comes to religion, Grisham has described himself as a middle of the road Baptist. That is to say, he doesn’t believe in the god part so much, but he’s still thoroughly racist.

Recently, Grisham caused a lot of puzzlement when he released a first non-fiction book under the title “The Innocent Man”. Grisham soon cleared up the puzzlement, though, clarifying to the reporters that the book is NOT based on personal experiences.

When asked if he ever regrets his grueling schedule of one book a year, Grisham said that sometimes he wishes he had time to pursue some other goals he had when he was young like learning to write creatively.

Grisham has also been asked if churning out one book every year doesn’t have a negative effect on quality to which he answered that he thinks his books would be just as awful if he took two years to write them. He also added that if he didn’t realize one a year he would feel badly because the homeless would have less paper to wipe their asses on.

When John Grisham introduced his first novel, A Time to Kill, to Random House, they agreed to publish it under one condition; each and every one of his future books has to start with the word “The.”

John Grisham and Michael Chrichton were known to have a career long feud. Grisham claims that he had the idea for Jurassic Park and Chrichton stole it from him after Grisham had spilled the plot over a few glasses of white wine one evening. Grisham’s claim fell apart when he was placed on the stand to defend his work and described the plot as: “A young go-getting brontosaurus who gets his first big case to defend a young apatosaurus mother of three whose children have been poisoned by tainted triceratops droppings when the head associate of the firm, Tyrannosaurus Rex reveals an even larger case within the case, one riddled with deceit and conspira…

When John Grisham isn’t writing, he works on his most favorite charitable foundation: himself.

There is one thing above all that led to Johnny Cash’s rise to prominence above his contemporary rivals like Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and La Bamba: their collective death in a plane crash in a field in Iowa.

In his last year Johnny Cash famously recorded “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. The lyrics include lines like “I hurt myself today”. In the original version Reznor was referring to his frequent attempts at suicide. Cash’s interpretation had more to do with his strained attempts to move his bowels.

A little known fact is that Cash’s song “I Still Miss Someone” is sung from the perspective of his children as they thought about the father who spent no time with them and refused to pay for their schooling.

Back then it was known as “walking the line”. Now it’s known as “bisexuality”.

What’s the similarity between a record and Johnny Cash? Both are round, black and take steely rods in their holes.

When Johnny Cash’s brother died early in their youth two tragedies came out of it: 1) we never got to hear the songs his brother could have written, and 2) we had to hear the songs that Johnny wrote.

The Man in Black famously performed at Folsom Prison. Many commented on how notable it was to have a rebel perform in front of so many rebels. Few commented on how notable it was to have a rapist perform in front of so many rapists.

Over the years, biographies and biopics like Walk The Line have promoted the theory that Johnny Cash’s distinctive deep growl came about from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, and other substances, distracting audiences from the real sordid cause: nearly non-stop deep-throating.

It is ironic, when you think of it, how well known Cash became as “The Man in Black” when his bank account was “in the red” from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, other substances, and deep-throating.

In reality the closest Cash ever came to falling into a burning ring of fire was when he went down on June Carter Cash during her late-life, month-long outbreak of herpes.

Cash claimed that all his songs were written very quickly, most of them taking less than ten minutes to write and compose. No one was surprised by this.

In late life Cash suffered from diabetes brought about from years of indulgence and obesity (it’s no coincidence that Man in Black chose black – it’s slimming).

When asked toward the end of his life how he still continued to tour playing songs he had written nearly 30 years ago without forgetting a chord or lyric, Cash responded that it was not such a feat after all, as they are all exactly the same.

In one song, Johnny intoned “it’s dark as a dungeon, damp as the dew”. It was the only known reference he is known to have made in song to Willie Nelson’s anus.

What’s the difference between Johnny Cash and Buddy Holly? They both knew how to sing lyrics but only the latter ever learned how to write.

What’s the difference between a Johnny Cash original and a cover of his song by another performer? The latter is in tune.

At what age did Johnny Cash become an expert at guitar playing? It’s a trick question, this would have occurred if he had lived to be 100.

Why have none of Johnny Cash’s children followed in their father’s footsteps and become musicians in their own right? Because each was raised in foster homes amid squalor and dissolution.

Besides his role as trainer Frankie Dunn, Clint Eastwood also wished to play the character of female boxer Maggie Fitzgerald in Million Dollar Baby. However, he was told “no” by the studio because his breasts were too big.

Clint Eastwood’s academy award winning movie Million Dollar Baby didn’t always focus on boxing. In fact, the original script was turned down by Warner Bros. as it was a detailed account of a week-long period in 1996 when Mr. Eastwood attempted to sell his newborn baby for a million dollars.

In 1978’s non-academy award winning movie Every Which Way But Loose, Clint Eastwood plays the caretaker of a fist fighting orangutan. The two divorced in 1980.

A little known bit of Eastwood trivia is that the first two raisins were created by Dole Foods at the behest of Paramount studios. The reason? Mr. Eastwood was bashful about showing his craggy, old, and shrivelled balls during a scheduled nude scene and the studio needed something that would look just like them on film.

Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of “Carmel-by-the-Sea” in California. However, Mr. Eastwood immediately absconded when he arrived to take office and discovered that it was not in fact a town but a gay water park.

Clint Eastwood’s favorite drink is from the oldest bottle of scotch known to man: a Glenfiddich Rare Collection from 1937 (a 71 year old Scotch!). The bottle is forty-three years younger than he is.

Numerous shots of Clint Eastwood astride horses in his films have misled viewers into thinking that the actor himself is an avid rider. Rather it was just a ploy many of his producers used to cover up his bow-legged gait after long nights spent “jammin’ with the extras.”

Clint Eastwood is an enormous fan of golf…because he is truly, truly old.

In a recent interview, Clint Eastwood was asked of which of his award winning films he was most proud. Mr. Eastwood responded, “the smash hit, Reindeer Games.” When the interviewer reminded Mr. Eastwood that he did not direct Reindeer Games, Mr. Eastwood mumbled, “carrots” and pooped his pants.

Fellow film director Spike Lee and Clint Eastwood were involved in a feud over the lack of African American soldiers in Mr. Eastwood’s WWII epic, Flags of Our Fathers. Mr. Eastwood has told Mr. Lee to “shut his face” and Lee has accused Eastwood of reliving his “Dirty Harry days.” The spat seemed to end abruptly when Mr. Eastwood said, “I don’t see how anyone could vote for this character over John McCain.”

Wilson got his start as a co-writer of the movie Bottlerocket. The movie was such a success that even to this very day some people say that they think they remember seeing it.

Authorities are saying that Wilson hung himself from the shelf where all his Oscars sit. This is the authorities roundabout way of saying that Owen Wilson did not hang himself.

Wilson didn’t leave a suicide note, but authorities are saying they are accepting his filmography as an adequate substitute.

Bent-nosed heartthrob Owen Wilson said he “knows” his next film (with Vince Vaughan, Ben Stiller and cut-up Will Ferrell) is going to be a huge hit… apparently his “knows” is broken too!

When asked for comment over the apparent suicide of his brother, Luke Wilson simply said, “I have a brother?”

Owen Wilson has been linked to such sexy starletts as Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson and Jake Gylennhal.

Apparently Wilson is also pretty open-minded as he’s been linked to a few hot dudes as well, including Pete Wentz, Michael Stipe and Maggie Gylennhal.

Though he would rather be known for his long career of excellent films, aborted suicide Owen Wilson is probably best know for a mistake he is associated with… that mistake? The embarrassing nationwide foul-up where Blockbuster video put Wedding Crashers in the comedy section.

Kate Hudson issued a statement saying “I can’t believe that a man that I dated would try attempt something so drastic”, adding “I also can’t believe Owen Wilson” would.

Whether you are rich and famous or not, the support of one’s parents is always critical at times like these and Wilson’s parents immediately stepped forward in the wake of their son’s suicide attempt to stress that he is not a failure because he attempted suicide without succeeding… taking it so far as to say “he’s always been dead to us”.

Wilson became a surprise hearthrob with magazines all over the US touting his good looks and sex appeal. Perhaps no group of people were more surprised more by his “hunk” reputation than actual women.

Wilson has already issued a statement saying that he is no longer suicidal and plans to move forward with his life in a way that is positive and constructive and utilizes the talents that he almost squandered. In fact, he has already inked a deal to co-star in a zany comedy called “Benson & Hedges” opposite Will Ferrell. The two will play hilarious talking cigarettes.

Friend and former actor Vince Vaughn was also quick to comment on Wilson’s plight, saying that he would like to know that Wilson is beyond this bad patch in his life and he would also like a pizza and 19 beers.

Famous among his friends for always being able to make light of a situation, Wilson inadvertently created comic gold yet again when his suicide attempt rendered his yellow “live strong” bracelet ironic.