Bin Laden (pictured above) in happier times after buying his puppy, Skittles.

Mere hours after his death, Osama’s body was given a proper burial at sea by the US government.  This action illustrated two things: that President Barrack Obama has grace even for his greatest enemies, and that he has suspiciously thorough, at-hand knowledge of Islamic burial customs.

Bin Laden’s religious ideology maintained that all civilians are fair targets, men, women and children alike.  The same attitude was regrettably applied in equal measure to his sexual ethos.

Bin Laden was known to vocally oppose music on religious grounds, but those who knew him best knew the real reason for his aversion: his jealousy of musicians because he himself had no rhythm. 

Bin Laden had a well-known penchant for recording long-winded videos that were seen as a means of communicating with his loose-knit confederation of followers.  Only Osama knew the real reason he these one-sided discussions with his camcorder: he was lonely. 

US intelligence had long believed that Osama had kidney failure, as he was often spotted travelling with a giant box that appeared to be a dialysis machine.  Upon examining his compound after his death, it was found to be the carrying case for his Real Doll.

Bin Laden’s strategy against his often larger foes like the US and USSR was to lure them into a war of attrition that would drain their finances and ultimately bankrupt them.  Ironically, this strategy would be turned on him by his shrewish fifth wife, Hazziz.

It is well-known what close friends Bin Laden was with charismatic Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, a friendship that lasted till the latter’s death and was not even derailed by their earlier, torrid love-triangle with Princess Diana of England.

Osama was never as self-assured of his looks as he was of his intellect.  Numerous sources cite his belief as a young man that he had a “crater face.”  It was a belief that was not actually well-founded until May 2^nd, 2011.

The administration of zany US President George W. Bush offered a $25 million reward for the capture of Bin Laden in the wake of the September 11^th attacks.  It is seems remarkable that no one took up the offer, until one recalls the well-known fact that the US government has no money.

In 1998, a first Interpol warrant was issued for Bin Laden’s arrest.  The warrant cited his growing plans to target a Western nation with violence, and his repeated copying and resale of his VHS copy of Legally Blond II.

For years it had been thought that the exceptional length of Bin Laden’s beard was a mark of his seniority in the Islamic and jihadist culture.  However, upon shaving it to prepare for his burial, US special forces realized it was because his face was a three at best.

Bin Laden was given many nicknames and titles by his esteemed colleagues, including Prince and Father of Abdallah.  He was only known to have given himself one nickname, however: Usama Sheikh (or “Lion King”) after watching the beloved Disney classic one Saturday morning on Al Jazira.

As previously noted, Bin Laden was referred to as Abu Abdallah, or “Father of Abdallah,” a nickname garnered during one long and particularly lonesome stint in the mountains with Abdallah.

Bin Laden’s father died in 1967 in an airplane crash in Saudia Arabia and his eldest half-brother was killed in San Antonio in 1988 when he accidentally flew a plane into power lines; Osama was also to prove himself to be a clumsy aviator.

US Intelligence has described Bin Laden over the years as “tall” and “slender” with “olive skin” and with a “soft spoken and mild-mannered demeanor” making it rather unclear as to their exact motives for chasing him.

Irascible US president George W. Bush was a well-known nemesis to Bin Laden, who bested the president in almost every way except one…  sustaining a loving and nurturing marriage.

 Bin Laden tried his hand at marriage numerous times (reportedly around six) but was never able to sustain any of them beyond the sixth or seventh child, leading him to think he was a failure in love.

At King Abdulaziz University, a young Bin Laden was known for his interests in poetry, football, charitable work, and black stallions.  The black stallions, however, thought Bin Laden was a bit scrawny and unadventurous in bed.

 Bin Laden listed Shia Muslims as heretics (along with Jews, Christians, etc) due to their subversive belief that Mohammed parted his hair to the left.

Usher was actually born “Usher Raymond IV” and even though many thought Usher was a made up pseudonym, it turns out he was a pretentious douche EVEN as a baby.

At age 13, Usher competed on Star Search, where he was spotted by an A&R representative from LaFace Records, who arranged an audition for Usher to L.A. Reid, the co-founder of LaFace; Reid signed Usher a contract with the LaRecord company. Usher remembers feeling LaGreat and how LaNeat it was.

After releasing a successful self-titled album in 1994, it was clear that Usher was going to be a hit. When asked where he saw himself in fifteen years he said, “Performing for an opressive, clinically insane North African dictator who kills his own people and getting paid $1 Million dollars to do it!”

Aside from recording, Usher has acted in feature films. He was among the “stars” in Light It Up and In the Mix. Two phenomenal, Oscar-worthy stereotype perpetuating movies that we would not even auto-fill on Google.

In 2001, Usher began dating former TLC member Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas. Their relationship lasted for two years: they broke up in December 2003 because Usher cheated on her. The world was shocked – they couldn’t believe a wealthy, African American recording artist commited an act of infidelity on a significant other.

Usher named his first son after himself, Usher V, a compassionate fatherly act of stripping away any sense of self identity the child could ever dreamed of having.

Usher founded New Look, a non-profit charity organization which aims to quote: “provide young people with a new look on life through education and real-world experience”. And if anyone would know anything about the “real world” it would be a spoiled, multi-millionaire R&B star who owns part of the Cleveland Cavaliers, has four rooms in his home dedicated just to clothing, who owns a staggering 4,000 pairs of shoes. Not to mention his superflous collection of watches estimated to be worth around 1.5 Million dollars. I think that’s a world we all can relate to.

Speaking in an exclusive interview with MTV News, R&B vocalist Rihanna confessed to being in love, in a young teeny way, with Usher. “Oh my gosh!” She gushed. “I was in love with Usher when he first came out. I was a little girl too, I was real young. But I really loved Usher; I thought he was the hottest thing. I think he was my first crush definitely.” When asked if he would date her now, Usher replied that she was far too old and she should have called him back then. “Who knows,” he said, “we could have been divorced by now.”

Usher was quoted as saying: “I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.” Notice he did not say “less gayer version of Liberace.”

Due to extreme pressure from the outside world, Usher has announced that he will be donating his $1 Million dollar earnings he received for performing for Libyan dictator Omar Kadafi to “numerous human rights organizations” when asked to be more specific he extrapoalted, “The National Tiny Diamond Finders for Watches and The Divorce Association.”

(As a side note, to the best of our knowledge this is an actual picture of Usher at his sons fourth birthday party. For legal reasons, we cannot say that this is IN FACT an actual photo of Usher but we think it is.)

Julian Assange was born in Townsville, Queensland, to a single mother, not knowing his biological father. When he was one, his mother married Brett Assange and they had another child, then divorced. A little while after, Julian’s mother remarried again and had another son and split two years later. It is believed that Assange had a penchant for computer hacking at such a young age being ever so influenced by all the men that “hacked” into his mother’s pants.

In 1987, at the age of 16, Assange began hacking under the name “Mendax.” He and two other hackers joined to form a group which they named the International Subversives. Assange wrote down the early rules of the subculture: “Don’t damage computer systems you break into (including crashing them); don’t change the information in those systems (except for altering logs to cover your tracks); and share information.” They were later known as the Leo Tolstoys of Hacking.

Following in the steps of his mother, Assange had a son out of wedlock in 1989. Due to his son’s mother being difficult, there was not a custody arraignment until 1999 prompting he and his mother to develop the activist group “Parent Inquiry Into Child Protection” which allowed access to otherwise inaccessible legal records related to child custody. This was a heartwarming reunion for Assange and his mother, Christina, who herself had custody issues with Julian and his brothers which unfortunately were never resolved due to her inability to pair any of her children to specific biological fathers.

Assange has reportedly attended six universities at various times. From 2003 to 2006, he studied physics and mathematics at the University of Melbourne, although he never graduated and received the minimum passing grades in most of his courses yet excelled in one: Home Gossipnomics.

Assange founded WikiLeaks in 2006. That year, Assange wrote two essays setting out the philosophy behind it: “To radically shift regime behavior we must think clearly and boldly for if we have learned anything, it is that regimes do not want to be changed. We must think beyond those who have gone before us and discover technological changes that embolden us with ways to act in which our forebears could not.” One can see where the impetus for his obsession with regime change derived from: having grown up under the oppressive dictatorship of Australia.

WikiLeaks has been involved in the publication of material documenting extrajudicial killings in Kenya, a report of toxic waste dumping on the African coast, Church of Scientology manuals, Guantanamo Bay procedures, the July 12th Baghdad airstrike video of 2007 and material involving large banks such as Kaupthing and Julius Baer. This has caused many Governments, including the United States, to label Assange an “International Cyber Terrorist,” “A crucial threat to the global community” and most cutting of all, “A real gossip king.”

On 20 August 2010, an investigation was opened against Assange and an arrest warrant issued in Sweden in connection with sexual encounters with two women, aged 26 and 31. Shortly after the investigation opened, chief prosecutor Eva Finné withdrew the warrant saying, “I don’t think there is reason to suspect that he has committed rape.” It was later discovered that the sensual acts began consensual but the condom broke and he was asked to stop during intercourse which he did not, proving he wasn’t just afraid of “wiki” leaks.

In a Time interview conducted after the release of the secret U.S. cables in November, 2010, Richard Stengel asked Assange whether Hillary Clinton should resign; Assange responded by stating, “She should resign if it can be shown that she was responsible for ordering U.S. diplomatic figures to engage in espionage in the United Nations, in violation of the international covenants to which the U.S. has signed up” a statement he ended with a wink – or as Assange calls them, “periods.”

On December 13, 2010, while incarcerated in London, Julian Assange was named the Readers’ Choice for Time magazine’s Person of the Year award for 2010. Assange’s 382,020 votes was more than double the vote for the second place person, a third of which were from those who mistook Assange for Harry Potter’s Draco Malfoy.

Jeffery Atkins says he took the name “Ja Rule” for very detailed and intricate reasons of which he wouldn’t speak. When grilled by MTV, Atkins eventually broke down and explained. “Some of my friends called me ‘Ja’ and other friends called me ‘Rule’ so I just put them together.” Upon releasing this information it was immediately discovered where all the creative genius that went into his rap songs came from.

Although it is a well known fact that Jeffrey Atkins is a chronic bed wetter, he has never rapped about it in his music. Not once.

Ja Rule and his wife had a themed wedding: The Godfather, proving no matter how rich you are, you can still be responsible for reinforcing stereotypes.

Rule has a touching song called “Between Me & You” about the large yellow stain that partitions his side of the bed from his girlfriends.

From 2000 until 2002, it has been reported that Jeffrey “Ja Rule” Atkins sold more records than any other rapper and was the highest paid. There are some who say that this may not be accurate, but the 2000 census seems to confirm this citing a marked rise in the population of idiot wiggers.

Ja’s kids have been bugging him for a pool in their New Jersey mansion but due to the economic recession Ja makes them sleep during the day so they can hang out and play in the “water” under their dad’s bed during night time.

Despite coming in at about 5’5, 126 lbs, Ja Rule has said that Suge Knight is all show and not scary at all. He also added that he’s a really good kisser.

On December 6th, 2005 Ja Rule took a hiatus from rapping. This, alongside the crash of the Hindenburg and the bombing of Pearl Harbor is considered the greatest tragedy in American history (for wiggers).

Ja is known to travel with a posse that is even larger than Snoop Dogg’s. When asked why he needs so many people on the road with him, Ja explained that some are there to score his weed, some to procure food and lodging at each tour stop, the remaining thirty are there to follow him around with mops.

Ja Rule founded the L.I.F.E Foundation, which opens its doors to underprivileged children through various programs such as art, music, poetry and sports. Just another example of Ja Rule’s boundless creativity; starting a philanthropic association that has only been done 4 hundred billion times before.

Many notice Ja Rule’s signature stylish shaved head look, but what most don’t know is the reason he shaves his head is so it doesn’t get soaked while he sleeps.

Ja Rule is married to Aisha Atkins whom he met in highschool when she was helping him get over his fear of the dark. Unfortunately Jeff Atkins passed this fear onto his children who, surprisingly enough, conquered their fear while their father still struggles.

Atkins has said that one of his biggest heroes is Niccolo Machiavelli. He’s been quoted as saying that it was his other hero, Tupac Shakur’s, favorite book. Atkins used to keep a copy of Machiavelli’s text, “The Prince” (even though he couldn’t read) under his pillow until the pages got so wet that the book disintegrated altogether.

Jeff “Ja Rule” Atkins is a celebrated homophobe, being quoted in magazines as saying homosexuality is “fucking up America.” Mr. Atkins has a point. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be irresponsible street thugs who become millionaires for shooting people and rapping about killing cops while giving absolutely nothing back to their communities that are “fucking up America.”

Even Dr. Dre (though not a fan of Rule’s) has had to admit that Rule resembles Tupac Shakur more than a little, remarking that “if it weren’t for being a lot shorter and smelling a lot more like an unchanged litter box, I’d barely be able to tell the two apart.”

Jeff Atkins has said that he really wants to work with R. Kelly… for reasons too obvious to state here.

Ja Rule is known for his six pack abs, but guess what? He doesn’t have to diet for them. “I eat whatever I want and people get mad,” He says. The key must be all the water weight he loses at night.

Ja Rule has been quoted as saying, “I listen to Nickleback.” Proving that not only does he just kind of suck in general but he has no music taste even outside of hip hop.

Hip Hop Magazine once asked Rule why he rocks an extra long do-rag on his head at all times. Rule replied “this ain’t no do-rag, this my emergency sham-wow.”

Q: What takes a shower late each night and early each morning, yet is never clean?

A: JA RULE

Unfortunately, for the once-popular Richard Dean Anderson, the recession-caused job loss that is hitting us all this year started for him in 1992.

People are right in guessing that Mr. Anderson is of part Native American origin. However, the assumption that his ancestors are from the Mullet tribe is incorrect (they were Mohawks).

The very clean-cut Anderson once surprisingly turned himself in to a rehab clinic for “substance abuse.” He was, however, not given admittance when he was informed that hairspray and cheap cologne is not one of the addictions they treat.

A famous TV critic once raved about Mr. Anderson’s unique appeal, citing as an example that there is “no poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.” The statement was retracted with apologies from the publication a week later when its editors realized that Richard Dean Anderson is himself the poor man’s Richard Dean Anderson.

It’s well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an enormous fan of the Simpson’s. He says he identifies with all the characters on the cartoon show because he, too, is one dimensional and yellow.

Richard Dean Anderson, or “RDA” as he is known to his fans, grew up in the same state as our site creator, Daniel Richard Monroe or “DRM” as he is known to his fans. When RDA brought up that they both grew up in Minnesota at a Stargate SG-1 convention, DRM made it clear that he didn’t give a “FUK”.

Richard Dean Anderson is known to be an avid lover of dogs and has even been quoted saying “They are my favorite people”. This explains his seventeen arrests in eleven different states.

It is well known that Richard Dean Anderson is an avid supporter of gun control which paralleled his character of Angus MacGyver on the hit television series, MacGyver. Another parallel between Mr. Anderson and his character MacGyver is that they both have ridiculous names.

In 2006, Mr. Anderson reprised his role as MacGyver one last time in a MasterCard commercial. When asked why MasterCard was the company he chose to lend his oh so prestigious endorsement, he answered, “Because for the last 14 years I’ve had to live on credit.”

It may surprise the ladies to know that Mr. Anderson has never been married. This fact makes much more sense though, when one learns that he is a huge fan of ice hockey.

According to Wikipedia, when Mr. Anderson was 17 he rode his bike 5,641 miles from Minnesota to Alaska, starting out with some friends but traveling the last 33 days alone. It was a trip that would eerily foreshadow the trajectory of his life, where the years up through 1992 were spent surrounded by friends and the decades afterwards totally and utterly alone.

Richard Dean Anderson always dreamed of being a professional hockey player until he broke both of his arms in two separate games. Because of these accidents, he decided to turn to acting where he continued to “break” his dreams of being relevant.

In 1985 RDA was voted “Sexiest Survivalist” by People Magazine. When asked how he felt about the honor, he replied, “It’s nice, but I was hoping for Sexiest Mullet-Toting Jackass.”

MacGyver’s birthday can clearly be seen on his passport in episode 1-15, “Every Time She Smiles”, the first episode that introduced us to Penny Parker, who was played by Teri Hatcher who ironically enough, like Richard Dean Anderson, has completely disappeared into obscurity.
In many episodes of MacGyver, he must defeat a nemesis, Murdoc, who never seems to die. This recurring theme is said to be the studios hint to Richard Dean Anderson to “Give it a rest already.”

A lot of women who have dated Anderson but not married him have cited his apparent unwillingness (or inability?) to ever pay for dinner for their choice not to commit.

Unknown to many, Cuba Gooding Jr. got his start as “Billy Colton” on RDA’s MacGyver. After the first episode, RDA was overheard saying “This kid is gonna go places, I know it.” When asked what made him so sure, RDA replied “I just sent him to pick me up a new can of mullet wax.”

According to a recent ad campaign, Domino’s has now changed everything about their pizza from the sauce to the crust. However, the company has also stated that they will still be including a few strands of employee’s hair in each pie as in the past. They will also continue to employ wiggers as they don’t want to stray too far from their branding.

In 1960 brothers Tom and James Monaghan borrowed $500 and purchased ‘DomiNick’s’ pizza in Ypsilanti, Michigan. James wasn’t seen again until Tom introduced their new but limited time pizza with “Secret Sauce with Special Tompings.”

Founder Tom Managhan stepped down in 1998 to pursue “religious activities.” Monaghan is a devout catholic and it has been said that this is why the process of digesting Domino’s pizza so closely mirrors the escalating agony of the Stations of the Cross.

Now a grandfather, Monaghan has said that he plans to die broke in keeping with the humble message of Christianity. It should be noted that this is after spending most of his young and adult life in an orgy of money, women, and mozzarella cheese.

Part of Managhan’s late-life dedication to charity is said to be a desperate attempt to knock some years off the sentence to purgatory that he has earned with the release of their Philly Cheese Steak Pizza. In Catholic doctrine, a product as debased as that is considered to fall under the deadly sin of “Wrath.

Monaghan has described his main goal in life as helping as many people get to heaven as possible, adding “but before they can go to heaven they need to get a little taste of hell” while winking and opening a pizza box slightly to reveal a freshly baked Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch™ pizza.

Monaghan entered a seminary school but was asked to leave in 10th grade after pillow-fighting. Unfairly, the other girls were allowed to stay.

Monaghan engaged in another extreme act of self-mortification and humility before god when he bought the Detroit Tigers mlb team.

Domino’s now has an interactive menu, allowing their patrons to order online by selecting every tiny detail to their purchase with the exception of hair, fingernails and dander they’re so accustomed to seeing on each pizza. These are additions the patrons assume in good faith will be included in their order.

Dominos had to put an end to their “30 Minutes or Less” promise after they lost nearly 80 million dollars in lawsuits brought on by the reckless driving of their employees causing deaths and maiming all across the nation. Later Monaghan would invent the phrase, “Got 30 Minutes?” which wasn’t a delivery promise but rather a violent stomach cramping promise.

Due to a glitch on the Domino’s website, the company gave away nearly 11,000 free medium pizzas in March 2009 and after someone discovered the promotion on the website by typing in the word “bailout” as the promotion code and then shared it with thousands. Domino’s deactivated the code on the morning of Tuesday, March 31, 2009 causing the largest widespread and simultaneous feeling of “health” the United States has ever experienced.

As part of a new line of desserts, Domino’s has introduced the Chocolate Lava Cake thus named because of the blast of hot, brown liquid that will violently erupt from you, caking the porcelain of your toilet, roughly 10-12 minutes after consumption.

In the 80’s Dominos released its most successful campaign to date, The Noid. The catchphrase, Avoid the Noid became remarkably popular. It was a win win for founder Monaghan as he was able to make millions for his company while finding a solution to get rid of the illegitimate child he had conceived with, Topeka, one of his she-wigger employees.

It’s unclear why the Noid campaign ended, some speculate that the pizza giant had exhausted its use, while others know its because founder Tom Monaghan’s illegitimate son died of a severe and rare case of ADHD.

Domino’s has a strict policy by which their drivers carry less than $20 at any given time. Their delivery men and women also seemingly have a strict policy of having no less than $40 in their checking and savings account.

In 2009, a video of two Domino’s employees hit the internet in which they were shown putting ingredients up their noses and otherwise soiling them before putting them onto the sandwiches they were making. It is noteworthy that the recipients of those sandwiches remain unknown as they apparently were unable to discern the contaminants from the usual refuse used to make the company’s product.

Recently, Domino’s has introduced a tracking feature on their website whereby you can monitor the progress of your order via GPS devices on the company’s delivery men and women. The program is an innovative use of the tracking devices already put on those individuals by the US legal system.

Unlike their current CEO, Domino’s MeatZZa™ Feast pizza is well-endowed with sausage.

A death row inmate was allowed to try the Domino’s Chicken Alfredo Bread Bowl™ as the centerpiece of his last meal. His subsequent death was said to have been extremely painful. It was also said to have occurred before they had even made it to the execution chamber.

The “Ultimate Pepperoni Feast™” pizza was inspired by a particularly raucous night in an Italian hostel which a company executive has recalled as “the best night of my life.”

Domino’s website conveniently and prominently displays the date and hour so that when the coroner arrives he can accurately record the time of death.

In the early 2000’s Dominos introduced their new oven baked sub sandwiches. Many claim it was to monopolize the food market that had been dominated by Subway and Quizno’s for so long while others claim that Corporate Dominos felt it was unfair that the public could only get sick from one type of food they offered.

In a recent “variety campaign” Dominos is offering a wide variety of Buffalo Wings to choose from: Spicy Buffalo, their tender Chicken Kickers™ to the Extreme Hot Wings or as they refer to them in the corporate kitchen: Tummy Wrecks, Ass kickers and the “Gotta Lay Downs.”

Domino’s has 3600 stores outside the United States, that’s right, nearly 4,000 foreigners get to experience the worst American export since we sent broken condoms to Africa.

It was once thought that all of Gordon Ramsay’s business interests (restaurants, media, consultancy) are held in the company Gordon Ramsay Holdings Limited. Now it has been discovered that two additional interests of his (sharking and scatology) have been kept private.

Ramsay lived for a while at Stratford-Upon-Avon in England, former home of William Shakespeare. Fortunately for Ramsay, this means that his clam chowder isn’t the greatest tragedy to come out of the little hamlet (that honor goes to MacBeth).

Ramsay’s signature dish at his flagship restaurant is remarkably similar to comedian Jim Brewer. Both are half-baked, tasteless and topped with course brown hair.

Criticized for his hot temper, Gordon Ramsay has only offered the explanation that it was how he learned to manage under his mentors Marco Pierre White and Guy Savoy, both of whom were also cunts.

Ramsay’s legendary temper has actually fueled his stardom among spectacle-loving audiences. It has also fueled the decline of his children’s developing egos.

In 2005, Ramsay led a charity event called “Spice Up Your Life” whose goal was to raise 100,000 british pounds to combat AIDS cases in India. Happily, they met their financial goal, but on a bittersweet note it only allowed for the treatment of about half of his lovers there.

Ramsay had an embarrassing incident recently on Hell’s Kitchen. Used to taking others to task for kitchen cleanliness, Ramsay was told by health inspectors to remove 5 lbs of garbage that was stinking up his work area. It turned out, however, to be a misunderstanding as it was simply his attempt at baklava.

When Ramsay’s wife was asked how lucky she feels to have such a great cook for a husband, she noted that it doesn’t impact her much as he is “always cooking in someone else’s kitchen.” After a long pause she added that the same could be said regarding his famous sexual prowess.

It has been noted that perhaps Ramsay’s intense media schedule and desire for personal publicity is finally affecting the quality of food at his restaurants, as he is rarely able to be there in person. In fact, things are so far amiss that it was recently reported that his flagship restaurant actually served a bowl of gumbo that was entirely edible.

Recently, Ramsay’s flagship restaurant had a gas leak scare when patron’s reported an odd smell and resulting light-headedness. It was later discovered that the source of the gas was just another customer who had had made the bad call to go with Ramsay’s chilli.

Ramsay was confounded recently when he lost a cooking contest to an arch rival. The prize went to his rival’s rendition of Beef Wellington. Ramsay went off on the judging panel, yelling and screaming for almost an entire hour, causing the normally televised live event to cut to an extended commercial. Even after the commercial segment, Ramsay could be heard once more screaming that he’d never prepare his boiled weiners for them again.

Ramsay has been critiqued for his hot temper, but in all fairness to the great man, kitchens in first class restaurants can be very stressful and in the end he can’t be blamed for blowing off steam now and then. Much greater culpability, however, can be assigned to his blowing off of daughter Matilda’s most recent birthday party.

Ramsay has made frequent guest appearances on numerous television programs in the United States and in Europe. Less frequent have been his guest appearances in the lives of his four children.

Surprisingly, Ramsay has been able to stay in “shape” despite constantly being around rich food. Unsurprisingly, the exact “shape” is a “sack of shit.”

One early job at a fine dining establishment was cut short due to Ramsay’s relationship with the owner’s wife (the two were constantly out shopping together, gossiping and getting manicures).

Even Ramsay himself admits that he sometimes has a tendency to over-season foods and that a trip to Hell’s Kitchen most often is followed quickly by a trip to Hell’s Bathroom.

Despite being a master of complex dishes, Ramsay has said his favorite flavor in the world is a lightly seasoned beef. His second favorite flavor? The exciting zest of unrepentant infidelity.

Ramsay absolutely refuses to do stew in his kitchen, dismissing the notion as low-class. In response, his young assistant said “1) that’s not how you spell my first name, it’s Stu, and 2) it’s not like it’s any more classy when we do it in your office.”

After lack of coordination and a series of injuries rendered a career in sports impossible, Ramsay’s decision came down to the Royal Navy, the Police Force, or cooking food for people. He chose to cook due to his lack of courage and inability to command the respect of others.

The “musician” Kid Rock was born Robert James Ritchie. He wanted a tougher name, a name that would thrust him into America’s music scene. Shitty Robert was already taken, so he went with Kid Rock.

On December 11, 1990, Kid Rock released his debut album Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast on Jive Records. The lead single “Yo Da Lin In The Valley” was banned by the FCC for its fixation on oral sex, and received at the time the largest non-commercial radio fine of all time at $23,750. Ritchie apologized and fought the fine, stating: “It’s about camping trips with my dad.”

Ritchie’s “breakthrough” album, Grits Sandwiches, sold 100,000 copies upon its initial release. Atlantic Record won the rights to the record in 2000 and re-released the album. This remains Atlantic Records biggest regret, greater even than introducing Phil Spector to Lana Clarkson.

Ritchie met an idiot by the name of Uncle Kracker in 1991 after battling Kracker’s brother in a rap battle back in Clawson, Michigan. Ritchie eventually asked Uncle Kracker to become his full time DJ. To this day, Ritchie’s rise to stardom is widely considered the dumbest story ever.

In 2001, Kid Rock released the country ballad “Picture,” a duet with Sheryl Crow. The move was calculated to dispel two persistent rumors about Rock: a) that he could only do hardcore, rap-rock songs, and b) that he can’t get along with other girls.

In 2007 Kid Rock released Rock N Roll Jesus, which produced a hit “All Summer Long”. It was his first worldwide smash hit, charting #1 in eight countries across Europe and Australia. Rock N Roll Jesus would go on to sell 5 million albums worldwide including being certified triple platinum in the US. This was a critical phenomenon, proving that inbred rednecks with no taste existed outside of the United States.

Ritchie was nominated as Best New Artist at the 2000 Grammy Award’s losing out to Christina Aguilera. He was also nominated for “Bawitdaba” for Best Hard Rock Performance, the award was won by Metallica for “Whiskey In The Jar.” These losses foreshadowed his dwindling career, showing that he couldn’t even beat an overly make-upped clown whore and a geriatric group of thieving has-beens.

Wayne State University named a scholarship after Kid Rock for musicians. It’s called the “Suck Like Me” grant and has yet to be applied for by anyone, anywhere.

Robert “Kid Rock” Ritchie grew up in a very wealthy family in Romeo, Michigan. Proving that even spoiled rich wiggers can become even wealthier, famous pop stars.

Ritchie and Blonde Bombshell Pamela Anderson were wed a short time after dating in 2004. When asked what prompted the proposal, he stated: “She has the only Hepatitis I haven’t gotten yet.”

In 2003, after two successful albums, Kid Rock made the daring choice to take his music in a new direction – that direction? Straight down the shitter.

In 2007, Rock released an album called Rock n Roll Jesus. The hopeful title showed that Rock identified with the Lord and Savior in anticipating a rise from the dead of sorts for his career. It has been noted that even if Rock gets his comeback, an enormous difference still remains between him and the lord: the lord has never taken a dump on Pam Anderson’s chest.

Another funny story, Rock told the bored Vh1 Storytellers crowd, “I originally only wore my now-trademark red fedora on stage because I had forgotten my bonnet at home.”

Reflecting on his first Arena show, Rock stated that it was an odd feeling being such a tiny, little thing inside such a cavernous place. His penis later offered the exact same reflection about the night he and Pam Anderson consummated their love.

Rock is famously addicted to going shirtless in public, a habit he picked up and continued after what he has described as the “exhibitionist rush” he felt at being featured in the Girls Gone Wild series.

Though thought to be retired by most of his former fans, Rock is possibly at work on another album. Neighbors to his trailer have reported late night sounds that “seem like his kind of music” on some nights. However, they also conceded that it could just be the sound of “those two rabid raccoons banging in Mr. Wilson’s rubbish bins again.”

In a Rolling Stones interview, Ritchie was asked, “What would you say is your biggest musical influence?” To which the “musician” replied, “All the late night sing-a-longs in Girl Scouts.”

Ritchie was nominated for best rock album and best male pop/rock performance for “All Summer Long” at the 2009 Grammys. He lost to Coldplay’s Viva La Vida for best Rock Album and John Mayer’s “Say” for Best Male Pop/Rock Performance. Many fans immediately defended Rock saying the awards weren’t fair. After all, Rock was in the “male” pop/rock performance category.

Thomas Edison was the last of seven children born to Nancy Matthews Elliott and Samuel “The Iron Shovel” Edison Jr. His father did not get the nickname “The Iron Shovel” from his reputation as a hard working manual laborer as most think. No, Samuel Edison Jr. got the nickname “The Iron Shovel” for always beating the family’s pet ducks with an iron shovel.

Edison developed hearing problems when he was young and even described himself as deaf later on in life. It was figured that Edison’s deafness was attributed to a bout of Scarlet Fever he suffered that went untreated thus causing a chronic middle ear infection. To this day, Scarlet Fever is considered the gayest way to lose one’s hearing.

On Christmas Day, 1871, a mere two months after meeting her, Edison married 16-year-old Mary Stilwell. Still young when she passed away; Mary fell victim to the leading cause of death in 1884 for women her age: marrying old perverts.

Edison fathered three children with Mary and had a habit of nicknaming them. His first daughter, Marion, was nicknamed “Dot.” Edison’s second child, Thomas Jr., was nicknamed “Dash.” Edison’s third child, William Leslie, had no documented nickname – but with a name like William Leslie it can be inferred that most people called him “Faggy ‘The Turd’ McLezzy.”

Edison’s fifth child, Charles Edison, would become the most successful of the Edison children – taking over the family business when his father passed away and later becoming the Governor of New Jersey. Charles was also obsessed with owls; eventually calling them his own personal mascot. When asked why he was so fixated on the owl, Charles said, “It was my father’s favorite food. He ate it everyday.”

After “claiming” to invent the electric light, it is well known that an intense feud developed between Edison and fellow magician David Bowie; both racing against one another to harvest the light from the moon. This historical competition was best retold in the documentary, The Prestige.

Nonviolence was key to Edison’s moral views. Edison’s philosophy of nonviolence extended to animals as well, about which he stated: “Nonviolence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” He immediately added, “Except for those filthy, delicious, flying, golden lunches called owls.”

It is reported that Thomas Edison died due to complications from diabetes. Edison was a reported health nut and followed a fad diet to restore his health that consisted of only drinking three glasses of milk a day. It was later discovered that he was, in fact, lactose intolerant (a condition that was not yet discovered in 1931). Edison practically signed his own death warrant by partaking in this milk fad. Coroners later confirmed that Thomas Edison most likely died from a massive bodily explosion often attributed to lactose intolerance called “The Midnight Surprise.”

After his death, Thomas Edison was buried in the backyard of his favorite home, the Glenmont, in West Orange, New Jersey. Edison bought the home as a wedding gift for his wife, Mina. When he presented it to her he said, “No matter what, do NOT bury me in the backyard when I die.” Mina hated Thomas Edison.

Booth was actually at John Brown’s execution. To most present, it was a momentous thing to witness. To Booth, however, it was just another humiliating experience of being near a man who was “hung” more than he.

Growing up, Booth would attend the Bel Air Academy. However, he would fail to become its freshest prince.

John Wilkes Booth had a grim fortune told to him by a palm reader early in his life. The palm reader proved to be correct when his turn as the Earl of Richmond in Shakespeare’s Richard III was markedly ill-received.

Booth began his acting career at Baltimore’s Holliday Street Theatre, which was ironic since anytime he was on stage it was as if he was taking a “holliday” from being an accomplished actor.

By the age of 16, Booth had become a delegate to the “Know Nothing” political party. He was a wild success among party members, as he had put very little effort into school and was possessed of a startlingly low intelligence quotient.

Booth was known to practice elocution in the woods around Tudor Hall and, indeed, became a master of pronouncing words while remaining profoundly deficient at retaining their meanings.

In 1857, Booth joined the stock company of the Arch Street Theatre in Philadelphia , where he played for a full season. That is to say, he played with himself in the theatre restroom stall while the other actors turned in stellar performances that have not been forgotten through this very day.

In 1858 Booth would play the role of an indian on stage. It was one of his better turns, as he was quite used to being a “red skin” as he would always blush with shame when he had to shower with the other guys in his gym.

Booth claimed a newspaper had called him the “handsomest man in America.” The title, however, was later disproved by the fact that he was only 5 foot 8.

It is known that Booth had an “astonishing memory.” This trait, which would have been a blessing to many others, was the bane of Booth’s life as he could never forget his many “astonishing failures” to win his parents love and admiration or to bring in a steady paycheck.

Booth reprised many roles throughout his life, but he reprised no role quite so often as that of the “cuckold” in his real-life relationship with Lucy Hale.

Booth’s last words were “useless, useless.” Why he chose to die uttering his father’s nickname for him is unknown.

Booth made a brief attempt to become an oil baron. However the most oil he ever found was in the numerous blackheads that plagued his face and rear.