From time to time we’d like to share some of the more intersting search terms that people have used to end up on our site to give you a little flavor of what our fans are like.  Todays highlighted search term is:

Bow Wow Genital Warts

Jack Grabber stripped off the last of his western clothes, picked the crisp, light, white Middle Eastern robe off the bed and slid it over his body before putting on the traditional headdress.  He could smell the myrrh that scented the cloth.  He inhaled it deeply; a satisfying scent that reminded him of the very first Christmas.  He walked to his full length mirror to see the results – It was a mixed bag;  the outfit was authentic for sure, but his skin was obviously too fair; fortunately his light hair was covered by the “towel.”  The robe was too short for his 6’5 inch frame, the bottom resting just below his knees.  “I wonder if they sometimes wear these as capris,” he thought. “I bet they do.”  He took some of his homemade fake tan compound that he had derived from the skin cells of darker foes he had defeated, it also included mayonnaise, sandalwood and the faintest hint of feces (amongst other throw-ins) and smeared it thick across all exposed patches of his white skin, being cautious not to rub it in, just kind of layered it on like cake makeup.  Next, he grabbed some dark, black hair from the loose hair bag that he kept next to the sink and stuck it onto his face where it clung to the excess fake-tan compound -  An improvised beard. Overall it looked pretty goddamn convincing.  Everything was in order.  He walked back into the bed room and climbed onto the double bed; pulled the sheets up to his eyes.  Beneath the sheets, the smell of the myrrh reached his nose more easily and was strengthened by the accompanying scent of memories.  The feel of the robe was taut against his tummy; his funny, contrived beard itched him as he lay cheek against pillow. He wouldn’t hear the footsteps leading to the flat this particular evening as Samir Gadot (his best friend and ex-Iraqi Guardsman) had been away on vacation for just under two days, but dressing up like this comforted Grabber in the moments when missing him kept him awake.  Perhaps this night he could sleep.

With the door closed it was impossible to see a damn thing in the little holding cell.  The prisoner was completely deprived of any sensory experience but his own internal thoughts; his consciousness hovered there in the blackness.  And the blackness bled into his consciousness, altered it, made it think bad things.  In his training in Pakistan the prisoner had always been tough, always come through.  He had never thought for a moment that he could be made to give up his mission or comrades, even under the worst of pressure if taken captive.  But now he was captive and now he wasn’t so sure.  Partly it was just because it’s obviously more stressful when it’s not just in theory.  Partly because of who had caught him.  The guy was huge.  Maybe 6’5.  Definitely 250 lbs.  Certainly packin’.  He didn’t know the guy’s name of course.  He had asked during his transportation and immediately realized how out of place such little chit chat was when you’re being held on terrorism suspicion.  His captor had just laughed a little and said “well you can call me Grabbs…  or Grabby…  Grabby-Grabbs” then returned to his seemingly normal, cold silence.  That was just before he’d been put in this holding cell.  How many hours ago was it?  He had no way of knowing.  The room had been completely empty when he was pushed into it.  It was still almost empty but he was slowly but surely filling it up with his own shit.  He’d had to designate one corner as the restroom.  Four times and counting.  Shouldn’t have had that double-down, but the temptation had been too great.  They would almost certainly have to re-carpet.  Then he heard it.  Heavy, deliberate footsteps.  Only one man, which would have been a relief, but his footsteps rung out loud enough to have been a whole squad.  They set off alarms in his brain.  US news stories about waterboarding and genital electrocution and man-piles.  The kind of stuff you might choose to do on a Saturday night, but wouldn’t want to have done to you by a stranger in an opposing army.  But then Grabbs wasn’t in the army.  He had claimed to have dropped out “when the Geneva Cunt-vention was signed.”  Now they just used him in special cases.  Apparently he was a special case.  He cursed the Iraqi ex-guardsman who had turned him in as the last heavy footsteps came down outside the door.  He and the guardsman had been drinking together and were raising a little hell with the girls in the village.  Well, raising a LOT of a hell.  Just as they were finishing one girl, the Iraqi, Gadot, had pulled out and run away.  He’d been grabbed from behind that instant.  Grabbed…  by Grabbs…  Grabby-Grabb-Grabb-Grabberton.  Grabbed.  Now here he was.  Waiting in terror…  yes, he, in terror…  for what would be behind that door.  It opened.  Slowly.  The huge American stepped in.  The prisoner couldn’t believe it but all the American held was a yellow whiffle ball bat and a semi-large freezer bag.  He sighed out loud in relief.  He had been expecting electrodes, a torture rack or a judas seat.  Here it almost seemed like Grabby just wanted to play.  And in a sense he was right.  Grabber threw the baggy down on the table.   White powder spilled out everywhere.  A LOT of white powder.  Cocaine.  “Why…  do you have a wiffle ball bat and…  cocaine?” the prisoner nervously asked.  “Because I plan on doing a lot of batting,” said Grabber with a smile.  “Look,” said the prisoner “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”  Grabber took a long, long pause.  18 minutes.  Dramatic as hell.  “That’s the thing,” he said, “I don’t want any information from you.  I don’t give a F*CK.  At least not about your little schemes.  But what I am curious about is how long it’d take to beat a motherf*cker to death with a whiffle ball bat.  I’ve been wondering that since I was about nine.”  The last thing the terrorist heard was Grabber yell out that no “head shots” were allowed.  Then it was just the flurry of activity and pain raining all over his body.  At 30 minutes he was almost totally numb.  But a painful numb.  The bat made a funny plastic fwappy sound.  At an hour his clothes had caught fire and disintegrated.  At 3 hrs Grabber had hit a home run with one of his balls.  At 37 hours Grabber had his answer.  At 37.5 he had hit the showers and shared that answer with Gadot.  They had slapped a wet high five.  They were always on the same team.

Betty White’s family moved from Oak Park, Illinois to Los Angeles, California during the “Great Depression.” Unfortunately their depression was not alleviated by the move because Betty came with them.

Even before her most famous tv show, White referred to her breasts as the “golden girls” due to their thick, blonde hair.

White’s first marriage to an Army Pilot named Dick Barker ended in divorce when Barker called out “Janet” in the bedroom. White assumed he was having an affair, failing to remember that it was their agreed upon “safety word” for when her activities grew too rough.

During the span of her career, White has been a frequent visitor on game shows such as “To Tell the Truth”, “Password” and “I’ve Got a Secret” (the latter was also a game she played in real life, concealing her massive credit card debt from her husbands, family, and fans).

When World War II broke out, White was quick to join the American Women’s Voluntary Services.  When that group disbanded, White continued to provide hundreds of American soldiers on leave with her voluntary services, often servicing four or five a day.

It is often forgotten that White began her career as a model but the few who do remember are still puzzled.

On “Boston Legal” White played a calculating, blackmailing, gossip-monger, a role that she had played in private throughout most of the 1980’s.

Due to its devout Catholicism, Ireland is consistently cited in scientific polling on sexuality for having the least amount of sex acts going on per day per household.  And, of course, the most in churches.

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In the wake of the wild success that the site has seen over the last month, with money flowing in from our sponsorship by BabyTouch pillows, we wanted to take a look back at the posts that made us what we are now…  posts such as the original, infamous, and completely unmerited taunting of Johnny Cash:

There is one thing above all that led to Johnny Cash’s rise to prominence above his contemporary rivals like Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and La Bamba: their collective death in a plane crash in a field in Iowa.

In his last year Johnny Cash famously recorded “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. The lyrics include lines like “I hurt myself today”. In the original version Reznor was referring to his frequent attempts at suicide. Cash’s interpretation had more to do with his strained attempts to move his bowels.

A little known fact is that Cash’s song “I Still Miss Someone” is sung from the perspective of his children as they thought about the father who spent no time with them and refused to pay for their schooling.

Back then it was known as “walking the line”. Now it’s known as “bisexuality”.

What’s the similarity between a record and Johnny Cash? Both are round, black and take steely rods in their holes.

When Johnny Cash’s brother died early in their youth two tragedies came out of it: 1) we never got to hear the songs his brother could have written, and 2) we had to hear the songs that Johnny wrote.

The Man in Black famously performed at Folsom Prison. Many commented on how notable it was to have a rebel perform in front of so many rebels. Few commented on how notable it was to have a rapist perform in front of so many rapists.

Over the years, biographies and biopics like Walk The Line have promoted the theory that Johnny Cash’s distinctive deep growl came about from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, and other substances, distracting audiences from the real sordid cause: nearly non-stop deep-throating.

It is ironic, when you think of it, how well known Cash became as “The Man in Black” when his bank account was “in the red” from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, other substances, and deep-throating.

In reality the closest Cash ever came to falling into a burning ring of fire was when he went down on June Carter Cash during her late-life, month-long outbreak of herpes.

Cash claimed that all his songs were written very quickly, most of them taking less than ten minutes to write and compose. No one was surprised by this.

In late life Cash suffered from diabetes brought about from years of indulgence and obesity (it’s no coincidence that Man in Black chose black – it’s slimming).

When asked toward the end of his life how he still continued to tour playing songs he had written nearly 30 years ago without forgetting a chord or lyric, Cash responded that it was not such a feat after all, as they are all exactly the same.

In one song, Johnny intoned “it’s dark as a dungeon, damp as the dew”. It was the only known reference he is known to have made in song to Willie Nelson’s anus.

What’s the difference between Johnny Cash and Buddy Holly? They both knew how to sing lyrics but only the latter ever learned how to write.

What’s the difference between a Johnny Cash original and a cover of his song by another performer? The latter is in tune.

At what age did Johnny Cash become an expert at guitar playing? It’s a trick question, this would have occurred if he had lived to be 100.

Why have none of Johnny Cash’s children followed in their father’s footsteps and become musicians in their own right? Because each was raised in foster homes amid squalor and dissolution.

We went recently to see Tom Green perform here in Chicago and the show was amazing.  If you can, make sure to catch him on one of his remaining dates (Texas, California, Missouri and Arizona) and check out his online talk show, free at his website.  You can even easily skype in to talk to guests like Steve-O, Norm MacDonald, Andy Dick and more.

www.tomgreen.com

Butler (pictured above between takes in his film “Human Manatee”) once saved a young boy from drowning on an off-day from filming in Scotland, presenting the government with the dilemma of having to reward the isolated heroic act of a terrible man.  Ultimately they decided to give him the award but it was presented to him by the Humane Society, since he is such a dirty dog.

The other day, youngsters flocked to the Gap in Hollywood because they heard that jeans were “half off”.  Unfortunately they were disappointed when they arrived as they realized the jeans in question were Gerard Butler’s as he tried to show a young employee his balls.

Butler’s film “300″ was one of the first truly big IMAX theatrical releases.  The film was shot on IMAX to reinforce the epic nature of the story.  Butler’s next film is also slated to be released in the IMAX format, but this time so that the screen can accommodate his love handles.

Butler has expressed some frustration that he has not yet bagged an Oscar, though he was quick to boast that he’s been with a Riccardo, two Manuel’s, and one Enrique.

A little known fact is that “300″ was originally going to be a live-action movie with naturally muscled actors, but when Butler turned up for shooting with 30 more pounds of cellulite than expected the entirety of the footage had to be converted into this dismal cartoon that was released to the public.

Before he was even famous as an actor, Butler was already linked to many of the hottest starlets in Hollywood as many of them were already supplementing their beautiful locks with extensions harvested from his famously fine, long and silken ass hair.

Butler was more recently cast in the movie “Law-Abiding Citizen” (though, of course, he is not).

Butler has been known to boast that he’s a real “breast man,” and those who have seen him shirtless have tended to agree.

Q: Why is the floor of Gerard Butler’s restroom always completely wet?

A: Because he never dries his face after drinking out of the toilet.

Plants are so stupid that they think sunlight is food!

Idiots.

The Canadian hockey team defeated their US rivals in overtime to take the gold medal on Sunday, bringing the 2010 Winter Olympics to a close.  US citizens will now be forced to return to their usual complete apathy to the sport, but will be able to look forward to pretending to care about bicycling as this summer’s Tour de France approaches.

The Sea World whale trainer killed recently was remembered today by family members for her loving support, co-workers and friends for her dedication to marine life, and by whale Tilikum for the severe case of indigestion he’s been suffering this week.

The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka made his final decision this week in the much anticipated season finale of the popular dating show.  Pavelka announced that he will not, in fact, seek treatment for the virulent strain of antibiotic resistant herpes he contracted from the female contestants, but will instead resign himself to the hospice route.

General Motors has announced they intend to have a major shake-up of their sales and marketing team in the near future, in what is quite an unexpected move.  Not to be outdone, rival Toyota has an even more surprising move in store for their drivers: a move forward at increasingly terrifying speeds despite the deployment of brakes and emergency breaks, ending with one’s body thrown through a wall of earthly flames, while one’s soul is thrown into the still hotter flames of hell.

Jay Leno returned to TV this week.  Though there is much public scrutiny of his return, he is expected to ease comfortably back into the Tonight Show desk chair as he is a seasoned veteran or the forum, and the chair still bears the stress marked indentation from his Kardashian-sized ass cheeks.