Due to its devout Catholicism, Ireland is consistently cited in scientific polling on sexuality for having the least amount of sex acts going on per day per household.  And, of course, the most in churches.

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389 – St. Patrick allegedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland – an act so incredibly impressive to the Irish that they have celebrated it by getting completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th since. What is often forgotten, however, is that St. Patrick also drove out every decent looking woman too.

461 – According to tradition, St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul, County Down, giving millions of shitty Americans an excuse to get completely fall-down shitfaced every March 17th.

1845 – The rubber band was patented by Stephen Perry of London, finally allowing men with long hair to finally “pull it back.”

1868 – Postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued, infuriating dozens of other dorks who were trying to patent their postage stamp canceling machine.

1932 – German police raided Hitler’s Nazi headquarters where they uncovered dozens of sketches of an early Alfred E. Neuman prototype with the words, “What, Me Worry?” written in German.

1942 – John Wayne Gacy, was born in Chicago, Ill. His mother was quoted as saying, “We just know he’s going to grow up to be quite the ladies man.”

1952 – A US ban on the word “tornado” was lifted. The ban had started in 1886 when the US Army, which handled weather forecasting, determined that the harm done by predicting a tornado would be greater than that done by the tornado itself. The lifting of the ban put an end to one of the dumbest things ever.

1959 – The Dalai Lama fled Tibet and went to India, triggering a flood of refugees escaping Chinese rule. It turned out real good for them.

1999 – The Vatican and Sony announced the release of the first music video, “Abba Pater,” by Pope John Paul II. It was a PR move in order to make the Pope seem more “hip,” because their first attempt, Child Molestation, wasn’t working.

2000 – The United States lifted a ban on imports of Iranian luxury goods. Americans were finally able to purchase super hairy things and homophobia!

2003 – Police found 28 baby girls hidden in suitcases aboard a long-distance bus in southern Guangxi, apparently being smuggled for sale. Police later arrested 10 people involved in the scheme. The charges were later dropped when it was discovered that’s just how Chinese people sleep.

2004 – Harvard researchers reported that an enzyme in the brain appears to regulate appetite and weight. They named it the “Kirstie Alley” gene.

2005 – Lil’ Kim was convicted of lying to a grand jury about a shootout outside a New York radio station. Lil’ Kim started serving her 366-day sentence just before her fourth album was released in September 2005. This was a shocking revelation as no one would ever suspect a rapper of lying.

2006 – Some 93 whales began beaching themselves in Indonesia’s Central Sulawesi province. About 50 died as local villagers dragged at least 40 back to the open sea. Many scientists believe the cause of this was due to the fact that whales are stupid.

2006 – Officials in Japan said they have confirmed the country’s first case of mad cow disease in cattle raised to provide meat. The good news is that none of their dog and cat meat had mad cow disease.

2006 – A bus carrying dozens of teenagers on a school field trip toppled off a bridge on the outskirts of Mexico’s capital, killing 7 people and injuring at least 28. The Mexican police ruled the deaths a drug overdose.

In the wake of the wild success that the site has seen over the last month, with money flowing in from our sponsorship by BabyTouch pillows, we wanted to take a look back at the posts that made us what we are now…  posts such as the original, infamous, and completely unmerited taunting of Johnny Cash:

There is one thing above all that led to Johnny Cash’s rise to prominence above his contemporary rivals like Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and La Bamba: their collective death in a plane crash in a field in Iowa.

In his last year Johnny Cash famously recorded “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. The lyrics include lines like “I hurt myself today”. In the original version Reznor was referring to his frequent attempts at suicide. Cash’s interpretation had more to do with his strained attempts to move his bowels.

A little known fact is that Cash’s song “I Still Miss Someone” is sung from the perspective of his children as they thought about the father who spent no time with them and refused to pay for their schooling.

Back then it was known as “walking the line”. Now it’s known as “bisexuality”.

What’s the similarity between a record and Johnny Cash? Both are round, black and take steely rods in their holes.

When Johnny Cash’s brother died early in their youth two tragedies came out of it: 1) we never got to hear the songs his brother could have written, and 2) we had to hear the songs that Johnny wrote.

The Man in Black famously performed at Folsom Prison. Many commented on how notable it was to have a rebel perform in front of so many rebels. Few commented on how notable it was to have a rapist perform in front of so many rapists.

Over the years, biographies and biopics like Walk The Line have promoted the theory that Johnny Cash’s distinctive deep growl came about from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, and other substances, distracting audiences from the real sordid cause: nearly non-stop deep-throating.

It is ironic, when you think of it, how well known Cash became as “The Man in Black” when his bank account was “in the red” from years of abusing cigarettes, alcohol, other substances, and deep-throating.

In reality the closest Cash ever came to falling into a burning ring of fire was when he went down on June Carter Cash during her late-life, month-long outbreak of herpes.

Cash claimed that all his songs were written very quickly, most of them taking less than ten minutes to write and compose. No one was surprised by this.

In late life Cash suffered from diabetes brought about from years of indulgence and obesity (it’s no coincidence that Man in Black chose black – it’s slimming).

When asked toward the end of his life how he still continued to tour playing songs he had written nearly 30 years ago without forgetting a chord or lyric, Cash responded that it was not such a feat after all, as they are all exactly the same.

In one song, Johnny intoned “it’s dark as a dungeon, damp as the dew”. It was the only known reference he is known to have made in song to Willie Nelson’s anus.

What’s the difference between Johnny Cash and Buddy Holly? They both knew how to sing lyrics but only the latter ever learned how to write.

What’s the difference between a Johnny Cash original and a cover of his song by another performer? The latter is in tune.

At what age did Johnny Cash become an expert at guitar playing? It’s a trick question, this would have occurred if he had lived to be 100.

Why have none of Johnny Cash’s children followed in their father’s footsteps and become musicians in their own right? Because each was raised in foster homes amid squalor and dissolution.

Dimoggio’s Fresh Italian Piping Hot Tomato Slices are steamed at 500 degrees and served soaking wet.

The Old Country farmers at Dimoggio’s Tuscan farms pick the tomatoes and slice them RIGHT on location. Immediately following the slicing, the slices are placed in the farmers’ pockets to ensure balminess. So we can say, with absolute truth: From our pants to your mouth!

And remember, Dimoggio’s Fresh Italian Piping Hot Tomato Slices always taste better on hot summer days!

Enjoy!

We went recently to see Tom Green perform here in Chicago and the show was amazing.  If you can, make sure to catch him on one of his remaining dates (Texas, California, Missouri and Arizona) and check out his online talk show, free at his website.  You can even easily skype in to talk to guests like Steve-O, Norm MacDonald, Andy Dick and more.

www.tomgreen.com

Plants are so stupid that they think sunlight is food!

Idiots.

The Canadian hockey team defeated their US rivals in overtime to take the gold medal on Sunday, bringing the 2010 Winter Olympics to a close.  US citizens will now be forced to return to their usual complete apathy to the sport, but will be able to look forward to pretending to care about bicycling as this summer’s Tour de France approaches.

The Sea World whale trainer killed recently was remembered today by family members for her loving support, co-workers and friends for her dedication to marine life, and by whale Tilikum for the severe case of indigestion he’s been suffering this week.

The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka made his final decision this week in the much anticipated season finale of the popular dating show.  Pavelka announced that he will not, in fact, seek treatment for the virulent strain of antibiotic resistant herpes he contracted from the female contestants, but will instead resign himself to the hospice route.

General Motors has announced they intend to have a major shake-up of their sales and marketing team in the near future, in what is quite an unexpected move.  Not to be outdone, rival Toyota has an even more surprising move in store for their drivers: a move forward at increasingly terrifying speeds despite the deployment of brakes and emergency breaks, ending with one’s body thrown through a wall of earthly flames, while one’s soul is thrown into the still hotter flames of hell.

Jay Leno returned to TV this week.  Though there is much public scrutiny of his return, he is expected to ease comfortably back into the Tonight Show desk chair as he is a seasoned veteran or the forum, and the chair still bears the stress marked indentation from his Kardashian-sized ass cheeks.

Jeffery Atkins says he took the name “Ja Rule” for very detailed and intricate reasons of which he wouldn’t speak. When grilled by MTV, Atkins eventually broke down and explained. “Some of my friends called me ‘Ja’ and other friends called me ‘Rule’ so I just put them together.” Upon releasing this information it was immediately discovered where all the creative genius that went into his rap songs came from.

Although it is a well known fact that Jeffrey Atkins is a chronic bed wetter, he has never rapped about it in his music. Not once.

Ja Rule and his wife had a themed wedding: The Godfather, proving no matter how rich you are, you can still be responsible for reinforcing stereotypes.

Rule has a touching song called “Between Me & You” about the large yellow stain that partitions his side of the bed from his girlfriends.

From 2000 until 2002, it has been reported that Jeffrey “Ja Rule” Atkins sold more records than any other rapper and was the highest paid. There are some who say that this may not be accurate, but the 2000 census seems to confirm this citing a marked rise in the population of idiot wiggers.

Ja’s kids have been bugging him for a pool in their New Jersey mansion but due to the economic recession Ja makes them sleep during the day so they can hang out and play in the “water” under their dad’s bed during night time.

Despite coming in at about 5′5, 126 lbs, Ja Rule has said that Suge Knight is all show and not scary at all. He also added that he’s a really good kisser.

On December 6th, 2005 Ja Rule took a hiatus from rapping. This, alongside the crash of the Hindenburg and the bombing of Pearl Harbor is considered the greatest tragedy in American history (for wiggers).

Ja is known to travel with a posse that is even larger than Snoop Dogg’s. When asked why he needs so many people on the road with him, Ja explained that some are there to score his weed, some to procure food and lodging at each tour stop, the remaining thirty are there to follow him around with mops.

Ja Rule founded the L.I.F.E Foundation, which opens its doors to underprivileged children through various programs such as art, music, poetry and sports. Just another example of Ja Rule’s boundless creativity; starting a philanthropic association that has only been done 4 hundred billion times before.

Many notice Ja Rule’s signature stylish shaved head look, but what most don’t know is the reason he shaves his head is so it doesn’t get soaked while he sleeps.

Ja Rule is married to Aisha Atkins whom he met in highschool when she was helping him get over his fear of the dark. Unfortunately Jeff Atkins passed this fear onto his children who, surprisingly enough, conquered their fear while their father still struggles.

Atkins has said that one of his biggest heroes is Niccolo Machiavelli. He’s been quoted as saying that it was his other hero, Tupac Shakur’s, favorite book. Atkins used to keep a copy of Machiavelli’s text, “The Prince” (even though he couldn’t read) under his pillow until the pages got so wet that the book disintegrated altogether.

Jeff “Ja Rule” Atkins is a celebrated homophobe, being quoted in magazines as saying homosexuality is “fucking up America.” Mr. Atkins has a point. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be irresponsible street thugs who become millionaires for shooting people and rapping about killing cops while giving absolutely nothing back to their communities that are “fucking up America.”

Even Dr. Dre (though not a fan of Rule’s) has had to admit that Rule resembles Tupac Shakur more than a little, remarking that “if it weren’t for being a lot shorter and smelling a lot more like an unchanged litter box, I’d barely be able to tell the two apart.”

Jeff Atkins has said that he really wants to work with R. Kelly… for reasons too obvious to state here.

Ja Rule is known for his six pack abs, but guess what? He doesn’t have to diet for them. “I eat whatever I want and people get mad,” He says. The key must be all the water weight he loses at night.

Ja Rule has been quoted as saying, “I listen to Nickleback.” Proving that not only does he just kind of suck in general but he has no music taste even outside of hip hop.

Hip Hop Magazine once asked Rule why he rocks an extra long do-rag on his head at all times. Rule replied “this ain’t no do-rag, this my emergency sham-wow.”

Q: What takes a shower late each night and early each morning, yet is never clean?

A: JA RULE