1926 – Carter G. Woodson founded Negro History Week, which later evolved into Black History Month. Later the Bush administration would complain, “Why did he have to pick such a long month.”

1971 – Women in Switzerland were finally granted suffrage. Within minutes the Swiss Bikini Team was formed.

1904 – A fire began in Baltimore that raged for about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings. The damage was never restored, but rather advertised as “slightly used ghettos.”

1943 – The government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year which was two more than anyone ever bought in 1943.

John Haynes Holmes said, “Priests are no more necessary to religion than politicians to patriotism.” He later stated Americans are no more necessary to the United States than choir boys are to destroying young person’s lives.”

32 years ago today, Ashton Kutcher was born, thus beginning a banal evolution of extreme douche bags which, in the future, will be referred to as “Kouche Bags.”

1984 – Space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk, which lasted nearly six hours… mostly because the two forgot to tether themselves.

1964 – The Beatles, the famous British quartet, land on U.S. soil for the first time, thus creating “Beatlemania.” The insignificance of Ringo Starr could barely be heard over the roar of thousands of teenage girls.

Welcome to Apple Valley.

A nominally sized, everyday Midwestern town that at one time lay between an apple grove and the famous Nameless River. The apple trees died in the great freeze of 1977 but the name stayed as permanent as the graffiti on the door of the women’s restroom at the Ginger Head Park, just down the road from the Cheese Castle and Palatino Trailer Park.

INT. BARRY’S OFFICE – LATE MORNING

This office is more of a half garage than an office. The slab floor is cold, always, and gray metal racking shelves act as filing cabinets. His desk barely fits his Barry’s goblin-esque stature and he sits in a throne of an office chair; the back towers over his balding mullet head. Barry squeezes a hand gripper while facing Ray and two young men who sit on stools.

Barry: Okay, fellas, welcome to the city crew. You’re gonna be workin’ with Ray here.

Ray: Hi, guys.

The two guys are Dex and Eric. Eric is a skinny eighteen-year-old with long blond hair and a hemp necklace. Dex is a well-built, quiet twenty-year-old. They both say hi to Ray.

Barry: So, Eric you kind of look like one of those hippie dumb shits.

Eric is thrown and doesn’t know how to respond. Is he serious? An asshole?

Barry: Just kidding, kid. Don’t smoke dope on the job though, we got cops crawling all over the goddamn place. . . So Dex. Is that short for something?

Dex: Nope.

Barry: Bullshit. We’re gonna call you Pete.

Dex: Pete?

Barry: Yeah, Dex is kinda queer sounding or something.

Ray: Bare.

Barry: Oh shit. I’m sorry. It’s kind of old boys club around here but we’re really trying to be PC, well, some of us are. I didn’t mean to offend you.

Dex: It’s fine.

Barry: So, Pete, it says here that you go to college.

Dex: I’m a sophomore at Wisconsin.

Barry: That’s cool. What’s your major?

Dex: Psychology.

Barry: Oh good. Maybe you could help me, I got this ex-wife and she’s turned my kids against me and the courts take the mother’s side and we need smart guys like you to help us dad’s. I mean when you get your degree, you could represent me, help us dad’s out.

Ray: Bare, he’s not gonna be a lawyer.

Barry: He could do it. Couldn’t ya Pete?

Ray: No, Barry. No.

Barry: Bah. So, Pete, you’re brother worked for us, right?

Dex: Yeah. That’s correct.

Barry: “Correct” eh. College boy. Well he told us a lot about you… and you know, I’m really sorry about that gay comment.

Dex: What about it? I mean, why would I care?

Barry: I think you boys are gonna fit in just fine around here. You don’t seem to mind some ball busting and you both seem good.

Ray: I don’t mean to break up the men’s sensitivity circle, but it’s almost lunch so I’ll take you guys out to lunch, not you Barry, and I’ll fill ya in on what you guys’ll be doing.

Eric and Dan say “sweet” at the same time.

Barry: Check it out, Ray, they’re tepalactic/

Ray: You mean, telepathic?

Barry: What the fuck is “telepathic?”

Federal health officials have reported that for the fourth week in a row no states had widespread swine flu activity. A spokesman said that at this point the only known feverish pigs in America are the women waiting in line for tickets to Bon Jovi’s reunion tour.

Crates of Scotch whisky and brandy have been recovered by a team restoring an Antarctic hut used more than 100 years ago by famed polar explorer Ernest Shackleton. The century old liquor is said to have a delicate flavor bouqet of strong notes of “rotten” combined with hints of “disgusting”.

Weather-permitting, people in the eastern United States will get a great opportunity to see the space shuttle Endeavour launched into orbit early on Sunday morning, Feb. 7. Its wreckage should be seen raining down on the Midwest a little over a half hour later.

Doctors have found that a shark bite victim pulled from the ocean off South Florida died from “massive blood loss” which sounds about right.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Ten American members of a Baptist Church who tried to take 33 Haitian children out of the country last week without the government’s consent have been charged with child abduction and criminal conspiracy, as Haitian officials sought to reassert judicial control after the Jan. 12 earthquake. When questioned about the story, God said, “They’re doing it wrong.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Obama administration announced today that it’s taking huge steps to improve Bush’s “No Child Left Behind.” When asked specific details, President Obama said, “We’re going to make them smarter, but still dumb enough so they don’t notice how badly the government is raping them and their future.”

LONDON, UK – Antarctic Explorer Ernest Shackleton’s Century-Old Whisky Has Been Retrieved. According to Connecticut police, Rip Torn used his one phone call to ring the three crates and discuss what their plans were in 28 days.

1881 Phoenix, Ariz., was incorporated. Sorry America.

1917 – Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, a law severely curtailing the immigration of Asians. Wilson held a lifelong grudge with Congress, referring to them as the largest group of “Cock blocks” in the history of the United States.

1958 – Gamel Abdel Nasser was nominated to become the first president of the new United Arab Republic starting the first of 40 years of a positive, friendly and trustworthy relationship with the United States.

1988 – Panamanian military leader Gen. Manuel Noriega was indicted on bribery and drug trafficking charges in Florida. This would be known as the least deceitful event pay rolled by the CIA.

1997 – Investment bank Morgan Stanley announced a $10 billion merger with Dean Witter. After the merger, CEO Purcell stated, “See, we don’t need the government to help us.”

2002 – A federal grand jury indicted John Walker Lindh, the so-called “American Taliban,” alleging that he was trained by Osama bin Laden’s network, he conspired with the Taliban to kill Americans and he had the worst beard they’d ever seen.

2003 – Secretary of State Colin Powell urged the U.N. Security Council to move against Iraq, saying that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and was harboring terrorists. That’s it… that’s the joke.

2007 – Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after driving 1,000 miles from Houston to Orlando, Fla., to mount a bizarre attack on a romantic rival. Her lawyer told her not to worry and that “Three years from now, to the day, everyone will have forgotten about all of this.”

62 AD – Earthquake in Pompeii Italy. A surviving mother assures her young children that “the good news is, this will be the worst thing that ever happens to us and our city; the worst is behind us.”

1818 – Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte ascends to the thrones of Sweden and Norway (placing one butt-cheek on each).

1917 – The current constitution of Mexico is adopted, establishing a federal republic with powers separated into independent executive, legislative, and judicial branches. This system of checks and balances works leads to Mexico’s current status as one of the foremost exponents of democracy and fairness.

The Humane Society is gathering used fur coats from people and using it as bedding for orphaned animals under the theory that it helps remind the creatures of their mothers and fathers. Some have mocked the irony of this situation, but it’s hard to argue against the logic. After all, if you lost your parents you would have to admit that their memory would remain more vividly with you if you were then forced to wear a Snuggie made from their skin.

Top brass at the Pentagon have come out in support of repealing the infamous “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule. One admiral went as far as to say “gays should be allowed to serve in any branch the military at large and not just in the Navy.”

Unearthing information that smaller media institutions just can’t get to, respected news giant MSNBC has reported today on their front page that the situation in Haiti is “potentially volatile.”

Renowned buzz-kill Punxsutawney Phil came out of his little home the other day only to see his shadow. This proves that a) we’ve got a lot of winter left to live through, and b) sunlight still casts shadows when it shines down on stuff. It should be further noted that the little guy himself has had a long hard year, losing his mother only this past fall. Nonetheless he seemed in good enough spirits, as thanks to the Humane Society he was wearing her skin.

The group Lancet has retracted their famous study findings of 1998 that had asserted that autism is caused by vaccinations for measles, mumps and other diseases. With this explanation for autism now gone, society is forced once again to recognize it as a punishment from God.

1790 – In New York City, the Supreme Court of the United States attempts to convene for the first time; fails due to lack of guiding precedent.

1865 – President Abraham Lincoln signs the Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. The amendment officially abolished slavery and forced servitude outside of the institution of marriage.

1920 – The Royal Canadian Mounted Police begins operations / first gay joke about “mounties” is made.

1968 – Canada’s three military services, the Royal Canadian Navy, the Canadian Army and the Royal Canadian Air Force, are unified into the Canadian Forces. The world quakes in terror.

1978 – Director Roman Polanski skips bail and flees the United States to France after pleading guilty to charges of engaging in sex with a 13-year-old girl. Celebrities around the world immediately forgive him because they liked “Rosemary’s Baby.” Unfortunately he, too, liked Rosemary’s baby.

1982 – Senegal and the Gambia form a loose and completely pointless confederation known as Senegambia.

1985 – Maybell, Colorado reaches a record low of -61 degrees. Scientists finally discover the freezing point of pubic hair.

1998 –Lillian E. Fishburne became the first female African American to be promoted to rear admiral. Reports that it “didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would once we got going.”

2004 – 251 people are trampled to death and 244 injured in a stampede at the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia. Allah says “oooh, SO close but you don’t get your virgins.”

1948 -Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi assassinated by a Hindu fanatic. It’s believed that this man was the founder of PETA.

1933: Adolf Hitler is named chancellor of Germany. To this day it’s considered Germany’s most unfortunate triple dog dare.

1969: Beatles last public appearance. Unfortunately this was due to the untimely death of Ringo Starr.

According to a recent ad campaign, Domino’s has now changed everything about their pizza from the sauce to the crust. However, the company has also stated that they will still be including a few strands of employee’s hair in each pie as in the past. They will also continue to employ wiggers as they don’t want to stray too far from their branding.

In 1960 brothers Tom and James Monaghan borrowed $500 and purchased ‘DomiNick’s’ pizza in Ypsilanti, Michigan. James wasn’t seen again until Tom introduced their new but limited time pizza with “Secret Sauce with Special Tompings.”

Founder Tom Managhan stepped down in 1998 to pursue “religious activities.” Monaghan is a devout catholic and it has been said that this is why the process of digesting Domino’s pizza so closely mirrors the escalating agony of the Stations of the Cross.

Now a grandfather, Monaghan has said that he plans to die broke in keeping with the humble message of Christianity. It should be noted that this is after spending most of his young and adult life in an orgy of money, women, and mozzarella cheese.

Part of Managhan’s late-life dedication to charity is said to be a desperate attempt to knock some years off the sentence to purgatory that he has earned with the release of their Philly Cheese Steak Pizza. In Catholic doctrine, a product as debased as that is considered to fall under the deadly sin of “Wrath.

Monaghan has described his main goal in life as helping as many people get to heaven as possible, adding “but before they can go to heaven they need to get a little taste of hell” while winking and opening a pizza box slightly to reveal a freshly baked Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch™ pizza.

Monaghan entered a seminary school but was asked to leave in 10th grade after pillow-fighting. Unfairly, the other girls were allowed to stay.

Monaghan engaged in another extreme act of self-mortification and humility before god when he bought the Detroit Tigers mlb team.

Domino’s now has an interactive menu, allowing their patrons to order online by selecting every tiny detail to their purchase with the exception of hair, fingernails and dander they’re so accustomed to seeing on each pizza. These are additions the patrons assume in good faith will be included in their order.

Dominos had to put an end to their “30 Minutes or Less” promise after they lost nearly 80 million dollars in lawsuits brought on by the reckless driving of their employees causing deaths and maiming all across the nation. Later Monaghan would invent the phrase, “Got 30 Minutes?” which wasn’t a delivery promise but rather a violent stomach cramping promise.

Due to a glitch on the Domino’s website, the company gave away nearly 11,000 free medium pizzas in March 2009 and after someone discovered the promotion on the website by typing in the word “bailout” as the promotion code and then shared it with thousands. Domino’s deactivated the code on the morning of Tuesday, March 31, 2009 causing the largest widespread and simultaneous feeling of “health” the United States has ever experienced.

As part of a new line of desserts, Domino’s has introduced the Chocolate Lava Cake thus named because of the blast of hot, brown liquid that will violently erupt from you, caking the porcelain of your toilet, roughly 10-12 minutes after consumption.

In the 80’s Dominos released its most successful campaign to date, The Noid. The catchphrase, Avoid the Noid became remarkably popular. It was a win win for founder Monaghan as he was able to make millions for his company while finding a solution to get rid of the illegitimate child he had conceived with, Topeka, one of his she-wigger employees.

It’s unclear why the Noid campaign ended, some speculate that the pizza giant had exhausted its use, while others know its because founder Tom Monaghan’s illegitimate son died of a severe and rare case of ADHD.

Domino’s has a strict policy by which their drivers carry less than $20 at any given time. Their delivery men and women also seemingly have a strict policy of having no less than $40 in their checking and savings account.

In 2009, a video of two Domino’s employees hit the internet in which they were shown putting ingredients up their noses and otherwise soiling them before putting them onto the sandwiches they were making. It is noteworthy that the recipients of those sandwiches remain unknown as they apparently were unable to discern the contaminants from the usual refuse used to make the company’s product.

Recently, Domino’s has introduced a tracking feature on their website whereby you can monitor the progress of your order via GPS devices on the company’s delivery men and women. The program is an innovative use of the tracking devices already put on those individuals by the US legal system.

Unlike their current CEO, Domino’s MeatZZa™ Feast pizza is well-endowed with sausage.

A death row inmate was allowed to try the Domino’s Chicken Alfredo Bread Bowl™ as the centerpiece of his last meal. His subsequent death was said to have been extremely painful. It was also said to have occurred before they had even made it to the execution chamber.

The “Ultimate Pepperoni Feast™” pizza was inspired by a particularly raucous night in an Italian hostel which a company executive has recalled as “the best night of my life.”

Domino’s website conveniently and prominently displays the date and hour so that when the coroner arrives he can accurately record the time of death.

In the early 2000’s Dominos introduced their new oven baked sub sandwiches. Many claim it was to monopolize the food market that had been dominated by Subway and Quizno’s for so long while others claim that Corporate Dominos felt it was unfair that the public could only get sick from one type of food they offered.

In a recent “variety campaign” Dominos is offering a wide variety of Buffalo Wings to choose from: Spicy Buffalo, their tender Chicken Kickers™ to the Extreme Hot Wings or as they refer to them in the corporate kitchen: Tummy Wrecks, Ass kickers and the “Gotta Lay Downs.”

Domino’s has 3600 stores outside the United States, that’s right, nearly 4,000 foreigners get to experience the worst American export since we sent broken condoms to Africa.

1845 – Edgar Allen Poe published his famous poem, “The Raven” which forever changed the world’s perception of the dark bird; from a once cherished majestic songstress with piercing blue eyes into a carcass scouring shit moth.

1963 – Robert Frost died in his home in Boston due to complications from prostate surgery, a surgery, the doctors begged him not to do himself.

1984 – President Reagan formally announces he will seek a second term as President (to the crowd of stuffed animals he’d assembled on his bed).

1979 – Emerson, Lake and Palmer disband after 10 years together; receive first standing ovation.

1984 – Actress Lynda Carter marries Robert Altman in a HUGE mistake.

Welcome to Apple Valley.

A nominally sized, everyday Midwestern town that at one time lay between an apple grove and the famous Nameless River. The apple trees died in the great freeze of 1977 but the name stayed as permanent as the graffiti on the door of the women’s restroom at the Ginger Head Park, just down the road from the Cheese Castle and Palatino Trailer Park.

This fair city has the same things as other towns of the same ilk. The crime rate is low, there’s a Fire Muster every August and the sound of baseballs hitting bats can be heard in the summer if your car windows are rolled down. But just like any other town, Apple Valley doesn’t run on its own; there are faces behind the Welcome sign and hands that do the work: these are Streets Crew, the Sanitation Department, the Lawn and Fields crew, the Cops and the Parks Group. They all work together to keep Apple Valley the best town it can be and they all meet every morning at 5am in the round room of the City Lodge on West 141st Street. Most of the employees have been with the city for decades and their teams have been chosen, lines in the sand have been drawn and their relationships are now cemented while a steady schism announces clear boundaries of who’s with whom. Let’s meet the eight biggest heroes of the public –

Meet Ray:
Ray is 5 feet 4 inches. He’s a short man, but stocky. Don’t let his belly fool ya; he’s strong with a good heart. His lack of height is not matched by a Napoleon complex, as a matter of fact, he knows he’s short and doesn’t care one bit. He’s on his second wife and has a daughter and a son with a third on the way. Ray works for general maintenance and today’s special, today he’s getting two new guys to his summer crew who will work in Sanitation.

Meet John:
John’s a tall asshole with a big Wyatt Earp mustache. He works for the Streets Department and monitors the municipal pool.

Meet Burt:
Burt runs the Street Departments. He’s very tall and very thin and dresses in clothes from 1981. He’s mean to anyone who’s not in the street’s department and calls ‘em all “fags” even though Burt is remarkably effeminate and chain smokes Virginia Slims.

Meet Tim:
Tim is a very nice kid, he’s about twenty four. He works with Ray. A football injury in highschool has forced him to have a fairly sedentary lifestyle, which unfortunately has caused him to gain many pounds; he’s nearly two hundred and sixty pounds. Ray’s fairly certain he’s a virgin.

Meet Zodi:
Zodi’s an ex-con who moved to Apple Valley from San Francisco in 1988. No one knows what he did and there was a rumor that he was the Zodiac killer and everyone started calling him Zodiac, which eventually went to Zodi. Zodi works from streets and cleans up road kill. He plows streets in the winter.

Meet Jane:
Jane’s the only woman who works for the city crews and that would be in the Parks department. Jane’s a hard ass and doesn’t take any shit from the guys. She devised a plan early on and got almost every single guy in the city crews in a compromising position; got them to remove their dicks from their pants, noted the size, ended the rendezvous and told them she’d spread the size of their wand. She was divorced once and has no kids. She’s not outstanding in any particular way… yet.

Meet Barry:
Barry reports to Dale and is in charge of most of the crews with the exception of streets. No one knows who’s in charge of streets and most assume its Burt. Barry’s been divorced twice and has four kids who hate him, not ‘cause Barry’s a bad father, but because his kids are assholes. Barry has long hair, past his shoulders, but is bald on top. He’s five foot three almost a perfectly round orb of a man. He has a full handle bar mustache and he only wears tank tops, even in the dead of winter. He has two tattoos, running the length of each of his arms. One is a wizard, holding a staff and crystal ball up towards a dragon flying overhead; the other, a totally nude woman. It’s gross.

Meet Dale:
The Head Honcho, the boss’s boss. Dale is sixty three years old and a year from retirement. Dale’s your typical grandfather-esque man with a raspy voice and grey five o’clock shadow. He doesn’t work so much as hang out and many of the guys agree that Dale makes most of their jobs harder than they should be. Also, Dale lies. A lot.

INT. CITY OF APPLE VALLEY GREEN DODGE PICK-UP TRUCK – MONDAY – 8:37 AM

Ray drives the truck while Dale sits in the passenger seat with the window down. Dale hangs his right arm out the window and chews on a cigar.

Ray: So… you’re almost dunzo, hey.

Dale looks over at Ray.

Dale: What the fuck is dunzo? What is that? Slang? You’re too old for slang.

Ray: Yeah, I mean, you’re almost done.

Dale: Yep. Ten more shitty months of dealing with you fucking – wait… where are we? What street are we on?

Ray: We’re heading south on Palatino.

Dale: Take a left.

Ray: Why?

Dale: Just do it, Goddammit.

Ray takes a left at the corner and they drive through a trailer park.

Dale: I don’t get it. These sharters live in these broken down dick shacks and they got brand new 2011 Escalade lifters and Mustang – Oh shit, see, look at that idiot, total clown tent and there’s a goddamn Ski-Do in the driveway. No priorities. They don’t even have a car with a hitch to get to the lake.

Ray: What are you gonna do when you’re done, Dale?

Dale: Aw, shit. I don’t know. Drink, play with my grandkids.

Ray: You do that now.

Dale stares at Ray.

Dale: Hey don’t you got new boys coming in today? Where the shit are they? They gotta be better than that assbag you had last summer, what was his name… fuckin’ Bobbi?

Ray: It was Robbie.

Dale: What kind of name is Bobbi?

Ray: Anyway, they’re checking in with Tom now, paperwork and shit.

Dale: Back when I was where Barry is now, I used to throw those turds right into the riptide, ya know. Now they have to have “training” and sign their fucking “papers.”

Ray: What the hell are you talking about?

Dale: Oh good were here!

Ray: Where?

Dale reaches over the center console and takes control of the wheel, slides his butt over and presses hard on the gas pedal, revving the truck up to 75 miles an hour in a 25 mile an hour zone as they fly through the end of the trailer park.

Ray: What the FUCK are you doing, Dale!?

Dale leans out the window flagging the middle finger on both hands and screams,

Dale: FUCK YOU!

Ray looks out the window and sees two cop cars behind a water shed in a speed trap. They flip on their lights and then see its Dale and turn them immediately off. Dale plops down back in the seat.

Dale: Ha. Fuckin’ idiots. Ha. Ha… I’m hungry.

Keep checking back for more.